momentary moods

awkward night (part 2)

2012-01-22T04:46:00.018-05:00

waiting for others to wake now
should not be sleeping in this bed
where babies come expecting to find mommy
in the middle of the night
and find a startled stranger sleeping
not again tonight

waiting to find the bathroom
waiting to warm up (hope it doesn't get much colder)
waiting for a drink of water (after i pee)
not a good night for the kidneys
not a good weekend for the kidneys

not sure who is sleeping where
don't want to wake anyone
don't want to scare the babies

brief thoughts
not sleepy anymore
slept my four hour cycle
need to pee
need to warm up
need to write so i am here
don't like being needy
nobody to talk to
nobody to share this with
nobody listening
i am
nobody.

awkward night (part 1)

2012-01-22T03:36:00.014-05:00

awkward and uncomfortable night
sleeping in the wrong place
baby comes looking for mommy
finds me and screams
trauma for future nights?
not sleeping now...

bed is dirty
not sure what it is
chocolate cake or dried feces
or just dirt
babies and dogs slept here last
ignored it at first
not sleeping now.

cold and clothes out in the car
not sure how to get out of house
need to pee too
not sure which room is the bathroom
too dark to explore
don't want to wake the babies
don't like scaring babies.

click click click clock
very noisy clock next to my head
ignored it at first
not sleeping now.

nobody awake to talk to
nobody awake at night
nobody i know
nobody nobody no body
i am
nobody.

not sleeping tonight.

dichotomous polarity

2012-01-17T00:51:00.000-05:00

blissful taste buds sugar rush fat bliss and loneliness still seeps through as i put aside the video game distraction and watch the odder side of tv, sci fi, being human and lost girl and sure, always the outsider with some deep dark secret super power, are we really such an egocentric species that it has to be all about being human?... add the stupidity of self-destruction and the weepy emo weakness of the glimmer of potential for goodness and any non-human species with superior senses or powers feeling like they are missing something is as delusional as the typical human... but then, these shows are made for humans by humans, after all... duh...

but i wish i could share, even if it was just a momentary illusion...

sometimes...

magic moments

2011-12-24T23:16:00.000-05:00

the last ten minutes (about) of it's a wonderful life floors me every time no matter how many times i've seen it... there are other films that grab me, hold me, melt me, and compel me to an emotional catharsis on different levels (wide range of types, from miracle on 34th st to fifth element to hook to some even more diverse), but few can kick me out of complacent egotism or detached intellectualism as well as it's a wonderful life...

thanks all who made it, every one :)

special day

2011-11-11T11:11:00.001-05:00

some days i just want to be special, that is, some days i just want the day to be special...

sometimes it is :)

sometimes i am so amusing

2011-10-07T23:18:00.000-04:00

to myself, at least :)

crapoholic

2011-09-09T00:41:00.003-04:00

seems i am addicted to crap... crappy stuff is everywhere, the place is full of crap... and worse, now a lot of it isn't mine so i am not really right to throw stuff out... so there's even more crap... gotta do something about all the crap... lots of crappy people around me too... maybe i attract crap in all forms... not taking myself seriously, treating myself like crap, that's probably why... crap, this is crap...

feeling like crap...

special

2011-08-12T00:36:00.000-04:00

i just want to be special to somebody, not just yeah you're special in passing and then days go by before another hello, but special every day, so special that when a few hours go by without contact an achy-breaky heart yearns for the sound of my voice, eye contact, and the touch of my hand... it doesn't have to be romantic falling in love, but that would be a sweet connection too... i just want to be special enough to someone so that their day just is not right unless i am a big part of it and so special that the whole world knows it... i don't ask for any more than i give, in fact, i give a whole lot more than i am asking for every time... would be weird to have it any other way...

maybe even special...

vulnerability (what goes around...)

2011-08-02T16:18:00.006-04:00

loneliness, sadness, wanting to sleep when there is so much to do, sleeping to avoid facing the aloneness... wanting to cry for myself, feeling like nobody really loves me because nobody puts me first... and i am always left with the clean up... alone... nobody ever leaves me well taken care of or even taken care of... and this feeling may be an emo pity party exaggerated in my mind, but the evidence is everywhere... no art, no creative play, no positive spin, just alone...

as if i was not meant to avoid some things (like {wide-eyed wonder} the personal journals and diaries i found left sitting right next to me?... wow, is that an accident or is that trust and conscious or not, actually intentional deliberate hope for continued connection and a real life safety net?)... fool, there is always hope... or at least there is always the positive spin lol lam laa)... sigh :}

i can only hope i did good and this time... something comes around...

rather crappy, actually

2011-07-20T22:53:00.001-04:00

feeling, that is... lousy aching left behind the ear but lower neck pain (a real live pain in the neck, i've got... laughing doesn't help) and the ringing right above it isn't fun and sleep is pushed away by both and fatigue is beyond before and wouldn't it be nice if this was not like this, yeah...

luckily it's only momentary...

fidgety fodgety foo

2011-06-23T01:26:00.004-04:00

(just for whatever, pretend it was the 18th)

floating along at break neck speed on the precarious balance all alone and with death possible at any moment the best we can do is enjoy the moment...

that is life :)

mostly fatigue

2011-06-16T01:03:00.000-04:00

and when tiredness is the overwhelming feeling, emotions become groggy and there is not real mood, there is just a blur... so often i feel so much blur...

out of place euphoria

2011-06-06T00:51:00.018-04:00

moods come and go so quickly sometimes that one or another can seem so out of place amidst the events and circumstances of the day (or night) as a day full of good fortune can see a few tears and a day full of misery can see a glimpse of euphoria, but when pure bliss is the base emotion upon which all others are draw, it is the most frequently out of place of all (and so therein least mentioned, aye?)...

bliss :)

not so much

2011-05-25T01:32:00.000-04:00

while loneliness grows deeper and louder of late, my ambivalence with trusting another person remains as strong as ever as i realize that i do not need to trust in order to give it all away... disappointment still comes even though i expect people to take and not share and leave me when they have taken all they quietly could because hopes springs eternal, or something like that...

will no one stay awake with me?

not always polite

2011-05-11T02:05:00.006-04:00

but usually irreverent... as much as i write, some nights i don't have much to say and all i really want to do is fuck someone's brains out, but most of the time libido gets in the way because libido does not like settling for someone who does not turn me on and libido has a rather narrow fuse... still, some nights i just want to lose myself in mindless sex... preferably with a cooperative partner...

i wasn't feeling this way

2011-04-25T01:25:00.003-04:00

last month, or whenever this was, i was full of hope and prosper, as if prosper was something to be full of, and the bliss i know as me was shinging brightly in my eyes (even if i'm the only one who saw me)... or was it this month that i feel this way?... time travels in weird circles :)

tired of people

2011-03-16T23:16:00.003-04:00

yeah, again, i am fed up with the stupidity of fear and the insecurity it produces and the ways people try to hide it by trying to control everything and denying truth, justice, and reality...

wish you were here...

missing it

2011-02-22T23:22:00.000-05:00

the comfort of caring and being cared about and sharing life and fun with someone who trusts and wants and loves... life is so much more fun that way, and yet, there is more to miss, even then... the dream...

someday...

ups and downs

2011-01-13T23:13:00.000-05:00

at the same time, most of the time, in time...

right...

always

2010-12-16T01:55:00.014-05:00

yes, always, i'm in the mood for love, always, i'll be loving you, always, here in the moment of time passing by, always, chasing rainbows, always, something there to remind me, always, on my mind, always, in my heart, always, love you, i will, always, run to you, always, run to me, always, i will follow you, always, right here waiting, always, a woman to me, always, loving you, always, wanna be with you, always, whatever, always :)

freaking memory

2010-11-21T01:50:00.007-05:00

yeah, last week i got blasted from the past and this week another and the photos are chilling and inspiring and so very sad because so many i've loved are still out there and i can see their photos on the new social netowrking sites and yet, no contact, no interaction, no continuance and yet, always in memory, freaking memory, even when i am not in the mood to remember...

so many emotions collide at this point, but still, i would rather remember than forget cuz i know it is better to have loved...

you?

valued

2010-10-28T00:57:00.000-04:00

how much i wish i could be valued in your life is mostly usually infinitely, so valued that priceless is where it begins... but you have lives full of whatever you do, full or empty, there is no me in it of any value as far as i can tell... no matter how much i wish it, you make the choice...

promises

2010-09-17T23:54:00.001-04:00

yeah, with another song playing on repeat because of the magical connection i saw in the singer's eyes and smile the first time we met in the rain on warped tour and that one look was enough to fall in love with her and her voice and music and now new words leading me back to the first time in the program office the love at first site swallowed all reason and cause to leave me living on hope in the bliss of lust and uninhibited trust and blind faith in unconditional love if only she did too...

hell bent

2010-08-07T13:52:00.000-04:00

sometimes i get so tired of living amongs people so hell bent on proving their belief in their delusion that they are out of control...

missing me

2010-08-04T00:22:00.000-04:00

i miss relaxing in bed with the words and music... i miss sharing with someone sharing with me... i miss the caring and the feeling of communicating intimately creatively ... i miss missing someone and i miss knowing somebody is missing me...

how alone is alone?

2010-07-01T03:35:00.000-04:00

the real (as opposed to e-the-real, i supposed), is alone... individuality is alone... freedom is alone... everything that makes this life what it is, a solitary hourney within a physical vessel, is alone...

am i feeling lonely?...

bipolar

2010-06-08T02:46:00.000-04:00

definitely euphoric depression, or is it the euphoric that is depressing because it is not shared... surely it isn't that the depression is euphoric... rhetoric, perhaps, but there are so many ways to view everything, how can a point be a line without another point to connect to...

sigh, when all that's left to do is alas, smile and enjoy the flow :)

relativity

2010-05-25T23:43:00.001-04:00

sometimes a little practical philosophy is all there is to hold on to, especially when a downbest pounds your spirit into a dark abyss of hopeless apathy... when the loneliness and lack of intimacy and love and trust get too real, it is not always bullsugar and sometimes walking away is the way to go...

take a walk...

sometimes so lonely

2010-05-13T23:00:00.000-04:00

like the whipporwill song, even deeper, the can't live song, deeper still, an infinite abyss no words could express in any language ever... this is not a mood i want to experience much more than a moment...

obviously bipolar

2010-04-25T00:38:00.000-04:00

unless you're dead, or mostly dead, in which case you are probably depressed... change is good, fear is bad, learn to enjoy it all...

neglected, unappreciation, ignored, or unnoticed

2010-04-18T23:54:00.000-04:00

one of those words express the feeling of the momentary mood that flows at this moment and my mind wanders through the bullsugar finding questions like is this collection of videos genius or nonsense or meaningless disconjointed random pop news or some profound message from within me or without me or what about this collection of videos raising similar, though different questions... and then there's all the other stuff (volumous humungous, even)...

do i deserve more attention?...

fondly frustrated

2010-04-17T11:07:00.000-04:00

frustrated by a body that is not just imperfect, but not cared for as optimally as possible so therein hurts more than it should but more, is unable to do all it can due to spinal alignment out of synch and a life too busy to rest properly due to massive workloads and a loneliness due to lack of intimacy and all in all, i fondly recall the wonder of caring...

or something like that...

future times

2010-03-26T01:12:00.000-04:00

and what's wrong with a future where people are no longer hung up on fears of nudity or sexuality or egocentric power struggles and finally actualize the honest love and caring and pleasure we can share in this physical life?

if you have an answer, you belong in the past...

crappy feeling

2010-03-08T21:26:00.000-05:00

in this moment my head is think and hurting and eyes are hurting and ear is screaming and nose is stuffy and running and all in all, i don't like this crappy feeling... fever?... feels like it... this momentary mood sucks (so why am i laughing?)....

must be the madness :}

as if we could

2010-02-27T11:50:00.000-05:00

at this moment i feel as if we could overcome anything and share perfect peace and harmony, however briefly, every single day simply by smiling at each other (even from a distance, sending a smile, hello, few words that take thirty seconds to type and send)... it is possible...

yes, at this moment i feel as if we could...

hot and cold

2010-02-24T21:11:00.000-05:00

and not just the weather, but this is the coldest winter since i've been down ehre in florida (most of the last twenty years, actually) and that could be one reason my moods have been fluctuating more than usual but more than weather, it's the unchanging monotony of life, work and play, and not putting the body in extreme physical fun (exercise) which makes for a dull physical experience which is boring no matter how much fun my head is having (and it is having much fun, much fun between the ears)...

ambivalence in the body, nagging the mind a bit, like what a drag it is getting on, but euphoria more than ever in the mind, the ethereal bliss of being... and that's the mood at this moment, how about yours? :)

in a moment of clarity

2010-02-13T02:45:00.005-05:00

everything is clear :)

bliss too

2010-02-05T19:46:00.000-05:00

yes, the normal ordinary everyday mood between bits of cashews and milk chocolate is bliss, simple euphoric (and often effervescent) bliss...

what?... I didn’t say bliss was entertaining :)

could be desparation

2010-01-26T23:13:00.000-05:00

or desperation, for that patter... desparate desolation desperate desire, too faint for despair or any powerful feeling, too tired for anything but last gasps...

irony, or something like that

2009-12-29T07:39:00.000-05:00

i seem to come here more often when i feel a touch of sadness, for that begs for expression much more than the peaceful contentment that presides over my emotional being most of the time... which may be ironic, but nevertheless is the way it is... i wish i could share my bliss more often with an intimate partner in the physical world, but without her, i share it as i can with whomever will... the wonders still never cease :)

top of the world

2009-11-23T02:51:00.004-05:00

the softball world, at least... we won the first game of the season, lost the next one, won the third game, lost the fourth... then, today, we eight weeks later, we won our tenth game in a row and the last one was the championship game... we are the champions, my friends... went out celebrating, championship dinner, got trophies, t-shirts, awards, the league voted our team the spirit award and the team voted me mvp... ego flies, heart smiles, and and and...

it feels pretty amazing...

strong as it ever was

2009-10-21T07:28:00.005-04:00

the memory of your wonder and excitement remains a huge smile, even as a sad tear falls from my eye because i can not say happy birthday to your face today... i still send my love and hope for your happiness... and rejoice that the hope remains strong as it ever was...

stress and bliss

2009-09-17T07:27:00.000-04:00

while work drains my brain with piles of problems to solve and data to process and information to analyze and people to help and reports to complete and so much more to do, the daily bliss of living, feeling the love i can share, and accepting the excitement of every moment cuz anything is possible keeps me flying high... and even if sharing is fleeting and there's no partner to share the depths, the clouds are still a beautiful place to rest... and fun is still the second best way to be :)

what's the point of memory

2009-08-21T07:18:00.000-04:00

when the people who are in my heart leave me no way to say i love you or even happy birthday, i wonder why i continue wanting to let people into my heart...

i feel sad

2009-08-01T07:10:00.008-04:00

that people disappear from life for years, for even if they really did once care and even if they still think they do, caring is a verb and it is either done or not done... caring only in the mind is like dreaming only when you sleep, secrets you keep to yourself... everybody seems to do that... and i keep wanting to believe someone will keep in touch just because they care and not just because they need something from me... perhaps it is just my experience, but it is my experience and when i look at people and see they are not there, i feel sad...

and sometimes

2009-07-28T03:32:00.000-04:00

i feel every pain that has ever been felt, at least emotionally, as i find a level of empathy that words cannot describe, but would spiral any normal person into an abyss of depression, probably concluding with suicide... i feel it, but i'm too stubborn to give up... the depths... i know those well...

can you imagine?

2009-07-09T07:00:00.016-04:00

what if nobody really wanted to be loved as much as i can love, to infinity and beyond, actually unconditional and more, without limits, restrictions, or inhibitions - the ultimate free love that overcomes all fear to share everything completely openly and above all else, honestly...

if nobody really wanted to, how could i share my love...

i do not want to think about the answer...

can you imagine?

past moments (#1001)

2009-06-21T00:34:00.005-04:00

There are moments I miss the life and busy travel I knew as a professional in NYC and reading your site reminds me. Having tried many lifestyles from penthouse to streets and retired a few times and now one of the working poor, I wonder if I should unretire again. Reading your words might be helpful or a pain, we shall see.

a comment inspired by

November 2, 2003 2:52 PM

torn between

2009-05-31T23:09:00.002-04:00

or torn within... or both... in any case, there are moments i just want to curl up and be depressed about the human condition, the lack of trustworthiness and abundance of selfishness and the hypocrisy and suicidal ways of the human race.. there are times i want to cry in a selfish self-pity party... and there are times i want to enjoy the jubilation i find in just being me... and times i want to feel sad because nobody seems to enjoy a similar jubilation within themselves (at least not independently)... there are times i just want to give in and fit in and buy into whatever others seem to believe that gives them some appearance of belonging... but the delusional basis of the whole experience is too obvious to me... all i really want is to enjoy life without a lie, without a cruch, without pretending we need something beyond what is and what we are to enjoy being...

anybody?

should i feel abandoned?

2009-05-23T03:01:00.003-04:00

of course, for the cycle repeats again and again, the words, the contact, the occasional friends suddenly return with words of love and even worship and then, just as suddenly disappear and demonstrate my true lack of importance in their lives... and those who said the most wonderful words run the cycle to the extremes and those who supposedly loved the most and deepest dropped out of contact for the longest... because it wasn't real?... because i am not perfect?... because i did something unforgivable?... regardless, they stopped communicating, broke contact, and i am left alone...

abandoned?...

euphoria

2009-05-11T23:38:00.000-04:00

what a feeling just remembering cell memory as i drop the excess once again down to the original revelation left behind so very long ago... bear with us, we might get back to where we once belonged just yet, aye? :)

people can be so disappointing

2009-05-04T23:29:00.001-04:00

just when you really want to believe them, they lie... just when you really want to believe in them, they betray... just when you really want to believe they care, they show they don't... and just when you really believe they will be there, they disappear...

maybe they'll evolve one day to actually live up to their holy words, but until then, their lives prove just how much those words are lies...

god bless.

spinning into control

2009-04-28T03:29:00.003-04:00

sometimes the mind focuses with such clarity that everything in the universe and beyond, known and unknown, makes perfect sense to me and if i ever find the words to explain it, i'll let you know... until then, excuse me if i just enjoy the heck out of the moments :)

bipolar

2009-04-19T23:38:00.006-04:00

is usually defined as (or by) cycles of depression and elation or mania that often affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause serious problems and embarrassment or grave problems... and statistics say 2.6 percent of the population aged 18 and older, have bipolar disorder... so maybe i ought to wonder, being that i have made some impulsive decisions that have undermined or even destroyed my fondest dreams and lead to rather horrible experiences at times and left me alone when being in a partnership is one of my fondest dreams, if i am not bipolar since i experience hyper highs that bounce me off the walls for days on end and dark deep depressions that have, at times, left me curled up in closets for days on end...

or i could just be a drama queen...

thing is, most of the time, i experience the seemingly perfect peace, joy, and happiness of super hyper giddy euphoric and the debilitating almost suicidal depression simultaneously... the depths of sadness i feel about being alone in this world amidst the seriously suicidal human species and the near perfect euphoria i feel just being alive is the constant state of being in my mind...

at least for the moment...

alone at birth

2009-04-06T04:15:00.000-04:00

when you're born, even though there's a body you come out of with a person in it who loves you so unbelievably much, you have no conscious awareness of it, so your mind is as alone as ever, as alone as each of us are in this life, living inside a mind in a body separated from everyone else...

sad is when you feel even more alone on birthdays when you are conscious of nobody being there, nobody around, all alone...

hope that never happens to you...

why should i believe?

2009-03-31T22:36:00.002-04:00

yeah, why should i believe in love or people, for that matter... all cynical humor aside, almost perfectly, the people i give the most to take the most and give back the least... everywhere i go i find people using people, hurting people, or at least not caring about each other... people pretending goodness is found in some book or in some special words that they choose not to live up to while putting down those who don't pretend... show me one honest person... show me one person who cares more than they pretend to care... show me one person who doesn't just believe, but does love... yeah, why should i believe?... show me.

laundry

2009-03-19T00:04:00.001-04:00

did i ever mention how painful doing laundry can be?...

sugar buzz

2009-03-13T01:20:00.003-04:00

yeah, so i should be sleeping (as i used to say in the title of my first online daily babblings) and i really should not eat after midnight or even after dark cuz age has slowed the already slow metabolism (probably why the body seems to stay young, it's not burning itself out on it's own... if only i'd stop doing it for it, aye) but instead here i am buzzing on sugar cuz i just ate two cans of pineapples in juice and syrup (i added the syrup myself cuz i prefer pineapple in 100% juice when buying canned pineapple, i mean, in case you wanted to know cuz you were considered what kind of canned fruit to buy me... of course fresh pineapple is even more delicious, but all that cutting can be dangerous after midnight when i am tired or even buzzed after eating a lot of pineapple in 100% juice spiked with syrup)... the buzz feels almost as wonderful as it would feel if i was sharing intimacy with a libido fantasy... almost, i said almost... soon, i will crash and sleep, not long enough, but at least some sleep is better than none in the long run... but for now, oh, the sweet buzz is fun :)

lonely

2009-03-08T20:58:00.006-04:00

while most of the time i am too busy these days to feel much of anything other than the excitement of living in the moment and enjoying myself and the challenges i work through at work and on the softball field and in games, there are moments when i want more than just the pleasure of being me and enjoying the moment... in these moments, usually brought on by being all caught up on comment responding and feeling like there's no one in this life who really cares enough to be here and share life with me every day, a moment when when time stands still for a moment, i feel lonely...

this is one of those moments...

choice

2009-02-03T06:04:00.001-05:00

we all know how to give and take, though from my experience in this world, most people take a whole lot more than they give... it can be quite lonely being a giver (with due respect to lowry {wiki} and others, orwell, beckett, not withstanding)... acting as though we do not have a choice does not mean we do not have a choice...

after the party is over

2009-01-04T02:53:00.003-05:00

after the holidays and celebrations and so one, the games are over and the smiling happy faces all go home... and loneliness is all that is left... i wish someone would stay, but i do not want someone to stay who does not get me... it's been many years since someone got me... the lonely mood is deep tonight...

sick and tired

2008-12-23T20:12:00.001-05:00

and yet i still wanna party all the time party all the time party all the time and yet, still wondering wandering on my semi-quixotic quest for someone to love love love (with the obligatory shock value and babble just (just?... is there really any justice in this world?... never mind this distraction, get the point already) to keep us on our toes… and real… you can’t know it all, but you must…

fuckit

2008-12-18T00:36:00.003-05:00

sometimes it feels like nobody cares cuz nobody is here and nobody shares cuz nobody is here and all i feel is fuckit...

don't want to stay here too long, cuz it's anti-sharing and pathetic, but it happens from time to time...

i must remember that i have ways of maintaining the balance...

business

2008-12-02T18:54:00.001-05:00

keeping busy is just another way to avoid feeling the loneliness of being without a true partner you trust who shares everything with you in this life...

fukitol

2008-11-22T02:56:00.003-05:00

oh yeah, by the time i get to woodstock, even, (aka: when the memory blows the mind... ), we all (unless you are the most unlucky soul in the universe) experience deja vu some or... sometimes, even, and even when it feels odder than a rectal thermometer in the ear (or mouth, for that matter, for those who can remember), the shoe drops on the other foot only now and then, once in a while, and then again, when we want it to enough...

and if you do not understand, you pretend ignorance or incompetence to shirk responsibility, or you are just genuinely slower than the average chimpanzee, that's alright now momma, cuz you can still enjoy the party (unless you really don't want to), because you choose where the emphasis goes whether you like it or not, know it or not, or admit it or not...

in the moment you love everything unconditionally and let go of everything completely, you exist one with all - be there with me now (or be somewhere else)...

and sometimes i feel

2008-11-11T00:09:00.001-05:00

life is a party and everything is so sweetly wonderfully enjoyable and pleasurable cuz there's some sort of balance that feels perfect...

roll with it :)

good morning

2008-11-02T08:37:00.001-05:00

yeah, what time is it?... the alarm on my cell phone just woke me and it seems to be an hour earlier than it's supposed to be cuz the cell phone company, att, apparently does not send out a signal to syncronize the clocks in their cell phones, which is odd... wait, maybe i have to turn it off and on again... in any case, i could have slept an extra hour if att just sent out the right signal... the body could have used the extra hour...

good morning :)

momentary moments

2008-10-29T05:39:00.001-04:00

if i did actually come by and drop words out here in the ether whenever i could (or whenever i felt like sharing, which would be even more often), most of the words would fly right by in thereal real time cuz who has time to check in several times a day and who even wants to keep in touch that much...

besides me, i mean...

sometimes, it's done

2008-10-17T07:47:00.000-04:00

and there's nothing left to do.

pointless

2008-10-06T18:29:00.002-04:00

and the point of taking me to where i am most vulnerable is...

sometimes i feel

2008-09-18T23:59:00.000-04:00

like the allman brothers sang, but more, lonelier than words can explain and more, angry at all those i love and cherished and devoted myself to throughout the years (except maybe one or two, maybe) cuz what goes around never seems to come around to me and that's a fact, sucks to be me when i feel this way...

still, i can laugh at myself even as i hate everyone else...

cuz momentary moods pass so quickly...

and i chose what remains real...

place

2008-08-18T08:42:00.000-04:00

everything in it's place... and everybody... it can hurt to be put in one's place when one believed one belonged in another place, a closer more meaningful more important place... that is the danger of presumption, the folly of assumption, and the madness of believing in words...

consistency

2008-08-08T08:08:00.000-04:00

if i came here every day and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever...

would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?

understanding

2008-07-29T08:22:00.001-04:00

are you afraid that if you actually realized that you could understand everything that maybe your head would fall off or something?

low

2008-02-18T03:53:00.002-05:00

now, a hamstring muscle tear challenges me even more than ever before as a dark voice asks me me if the youth is gone, if the athlete is dead, if the days of playing sports and living vigorously are over... time to retire and die?... definitely not a high moment... may this pass quickly...

not that it matters...

2008-02-06T00:59:00.000-05:00

plans, scams, garbage cans

2008-02-04T02:19:00.002-05:00

probably not best laid, at that, but whatever... it turns out that unexpected expences, like $1000 in overdrafts and paying off a car accident, will prevent my roommates from being able to move out just now (no less paying me back, much like the last few times i loaned them money), so another seven month lease will be signed, which continues the status quo, which sucks...

much hhjj

2008-01-30T02:22:00.000-05:00

that's much happy happy joy joy, mostly because there is much hope for social life as i am busy almost every night for weeks to come and while the closeness of true friends or intimacy has not yet arrived, the fun of the journey is returning (now if i just get back to running and working out, aye?)...

homesweethome

2008-01-24T23:17:00.000-05:00

people never cease to amaze me... home i come after another 18 hour day away from the place and the air conditioner blasting away… it's Florida, so what's wrong with that picture?... well, it's 61 degrees outside… and nobody's been home for six or more hours… of course the lights were on too… i doubt it would make a difference if they paid the electric bill, but they don't, i do… alas, life with the careless inconsiderate slobs goes on… i love 'em, but the mess really is getting amazing… stepping over stuff just to walk in the door and through the house... and we're looking for a house to move into… my goal is to have meetups at the house, even develop an actual social life where friends come over from time to time… the secondary effect of developing a new and improved social life that includes having friends and guests over will hopefully encouraging more picking up behind self behavior around here… it's really like living with a two year old sometimes… a messy two year old… welcome home :)

unfinished

2008-01-09T00:14:00.000-05:00

still want to share it though...

it

2007-12-16T05:50:00.000-05:00

sometimes i just feel it and it is so real, there is no need for anything else... though i still want to share it cuz i remember sharing it makes it better, but it is still completely perfect even when it is not shared...

wtf

2007-12-11T05:46:00.000-05:00

and when i feel like nobody cares and want proof, all i need to do is look around...

love for a birthday

2007-11-21T00:11:00.000-05:00

bliss comes in the most unexpected moments when you forget the timeline and the connections, but when you remember, everything happens just when it is supposed to...

who cares?

2007-10-08T04:00:00.000-04:00

sometimes I feel like nobody cares... not in the sense that I felt it as a child when I did not get my way or even as a child abandoned, adopted, abandoned again, and ultimately left to develop on my own without any real intellectual or emotional intimacy... not in any self-pathetic or poor-me sense, but in a practical hello, hello, hello, is anybody in there sense when I look into people's eyes...

or here, on the web, how would we know?

tic toc

2007-10-04T01:27:00.000-04:00

tic

2007-09-08T23:55:00.000-04:00

TIME

tic

2007-08-16T23:23:00.000-04:00

tic

2007-07-11T01:20:00.000-04:00

JUST

sometimes I feel

2007-06-22T18:21:00.000-04:00

sometimes I feel like a prophet and sometimes I feel like a fool, but mostly I am feeling lonely of late and I'm tired of it and that's not cool... right now I feel like nobody cares enough to be here to care for me cuz nobody is so nobody does and this has beeing going on for some time now... I still want to believe in love and hope and friends and caring and love, but I've got no proof it exists anymore and what I once thought I had is so gone, maybe it never was...

are we luckier to be alone when we die, so no one mourns more than a moment or two or are we luckier to die in the arms of someone who will mourn us forever and want us to be together again somehow someday, if that's even possible...

might depend on whether we define mourn as die or as celebrate...

I'm celebrating, personally, all alone.

unpleasant

2007-06-14T04:14:00.000-04:00

the computer is insufficient... the body is dying... the space is filthy... the laundry is not done... the worries are coming... the doubts are forming... the hope is waning... the mind is going numb... the heart is sleeping (will it die in it's sleep?)... the child is crying (promises are meant to keep)... the way is wobbly (and the lost are being found)... the best I can do is hope someone comes around before I'm gone... and I leave these words behind to carry on...

the best semi-laid plans

2007-06-02T13:52:00.000-04:00

are not really plans, but then, they might be ideas, ideas that never quite reach fruition, perhaps, but nonetheless ideas... it is easy to see the lack of external inspiration and allow that to effect the flow, but then, does a river dry up merely because no one comes to wade in it?... my friend Phil Oso knows, and perhaps you do too... shame we don't know together :}

sitting around

2007-05-19T15:08:00.000-04:00

waiting for Rasputin to motivate himself to get into the shower and go out... two hours of waiting and the day is done, late afternoon and evening ahead, so goes most weekends these days... even when there are too many activities to squeeze into one weekend... need more of a change in lifestyle than just a daily trip to the gym... participants welcome...

won der ful

2007-05-01T19:46:00.006-04:00

wonderful news!... full of wonder, it's a win!... der win, to be european about it... ya, der ful o won!... and news too :)

good moods don't need much explaining ya know :)

didn't last long, did it?

2007-04-23T03:30:00.000-04:00

I'm probably too lonely, alone, and out of touch with contact, being in touch on the momentary scale, to maintain this... or else there's just not enough time and it hasn't become habit... maybe next time :)

just now

2007-04-08T07:59:00.000-04:00

I am really tired cuz I've been up all night cuz I found myself relating to someone online who writes words that talk to me (amuse me and move me) and missed her visit to Orlando (not that I particular want to expose anyone to my current living space and I wish I had the house I once had with guest rooms and cleanliness) and my hunger for a true friend grew to an all-nighter of hope, despair, and more hope... I'm going to bed now...

bored

2007-04-07T20:14:00.001-04:00

It doesn't happen often, so I thought it might be important to record it.

must have forgot

2007-04-06T03:56:00.000-04:00

of course, this is the experiment gone awry cuz nobody pays attention to the moments, at least not consistently, not even me... but I want to... and I used to... and I would try again if someone would share the journey... so at the moment I am accepting the peaceful euphoria of being alive and being me while simultaneously accepting the sadness of longing for love and sharing and feeling loneliness... how are you?