so tired

working more hours than is healthy for the body while determined to drop weight as quickly as possible i am left so very tired, so very tired, the dramatic kind of tired... the kind of tired that wants long deep sleep for days, but unfortunately i do not have days... i have tonight, tomorrow, and then, back to work... sleep, how i long for sleep, i am so tired... i must somehow remember where i live... i must remember this moment will pass and in spite of the bleary eyes and foggy mind of such deep fatigue, i must go home...

dysthymia

the risk of trusting others, the risk of the betrayal that so often comes from giving unconditional trust, the risk of the loss of trust, of faith, of hope... it lingers, the pain of betrayal, deep to the core and just below the surface... i must find a way our of the darkness of despair, i must find my way out of this painful hopeless feeling... and day to day, keeping busy, i do... and at my core where i live, alone, i do, but the loss of trust, the feeling of not feeling safe in my living space, that is the mood these days outside and all around me... the best i can do, for now, is close my eyes and watch my world unfold before me...

betrayed

oh, and it hurts so much... the betrayal of family stealing money hurts, but the theft of the trust, the loss of trust is what hurts so much more... this moment is one of the most painful moments i've known, may it pass quickly, even though the damage will last for a long long time... i can forgive, but never forget, betrayal and loss of the purity of trust never completely goes away... that is the deepest pain, knowing the trust is gone...

u4rea

the status quo inside returns to the surface more often than not as i realize this blog is mostly about the other extremes, the less happy feelings, the momentary moods far from euphoria... it is the roller coaster tide of life that brings the highs and lows and that is what makes the highs all the more wonderful... i only go down so that i may go up again... and up to euphoria, where i live, where i am me, that is where i belong... and where i am most of the time, and all i need do is remember this moment of euphoria is home...

alone

feeling so alone, a celebrating a birthday all by yourself kind of alone, an aging and stressed over dying alone kind of alone, a last breath alone kind of alone... so alone... it is beyond lonely, it is empy, hopeless, an aching so all encompasing it makes everything else pale to numbness, kist loneliness, just alone...

new car smile

while materialism is not my thing, buying a new car does feel good... even thought it would be easier to have more fun with the extra money that is now going toward a car payment, driving a new car is much more fun than driving an old one... and it's running so well, so i am enjoying a new car smile :)

frustration

the feeling is frustration for the moment, frustration with a roommate who does not pay her share and has not for years, frustration that i adopted her as family as i've done with others in this life because i love to help people, care for people, and ultimately, buy family... frustration with this habit i have of allowing myself to be used just to believe someone lives me and wants to be part of my life... frustration because i am believing a promise that it will change and have put myself in a serious financial obligation dependent upon that change... frustrated because she has promised before and has not followed through and i may be putting myself too far out on a limb this time as i have in the past... frustrated because i always know better and do it anyway... so nothing new, just the same old frustration returning, for the moment...

the new life

it's been four months since i gave up the carefree life of the beach bum, the cavalier playboy, the irresponsible child to become the uber responsible administrator of the health care facility returning to the 24/7 lifestyle i knew a few times in this life and it is as exciting (and stressful and tiring) as i remember it even as i do my best not to burn myself out... satisfaction and pride rise above fatigue for now, which feels very good...