up down turn around

no, don't turn around, there's nothing to see back there, best left behind... one moment i am full of hope and optimism and gleefully enjoying being as i usually do and the next moment i am feeling like it's time to give up on the madness that is life in this modern world... really stessful amd challenging... =========...

don't tell anybody, but

i'm freaking out a bit... maybe even a lot... no income is scary... i mean, no joke... freaking out... but that is definitely not gonna look good on a resume or at job interview, so don't tell anybody, k?... thanks.

the ride

the ride after sudden unexpected change can be manic, even traumatic... to suddenly lose all income and be faced with a rush to a major life change not chosen, but thrust as a blindside betrayal... hope rises to calm and even excite as i send out resumes and get positive feedback from colleagues and highly respected contacts throughout the state (and i visualize myself enjoying respect and professional rewards working a job i want to do, earning enough to live comfortably in a nice house or apartment)... and then, the lulls, the waiting time breeds fear and loathing of the self-destructive human rat race game sinking into the depressing apathy and even panic mode of the street (and i visualize myself enjoying watching the madness of the world go by from some comfortable cushion of a sleeping bag in a park or beach)... as billy joel sang, i go to extremes...

luckily these moods are only momentary...

or maybe not so luckily...

can i please just give up now?

what was that about softball?

i recall wondering if i will be playing softball when i am 100 years old some time ago and that was a few days before i stopped playing softball and have not played since cuz of an injury that has kept me on crutches for seven weeks and will continue to keep me on crutches a few more weeks and the momentary moods have fluctuated from highs to lows even more than usual, especially the lows... it's easy to get depressed and feel like nobody really cares and think about what the old age years will be like when all there is to do is sit around tapping keys, playing solo games, listening to music, watching tv, physically vegetating and waiting for somebody to notice i disappeared from the social activities i was sharing for years...

poof, i was gone...

not having a partner in life is more challenging than ever these days, but at least i have a roommate who, while moody at times, has a wonderful heart and has mostly daily (when she's around and in town) done a lot to help me survive... she probably looks for things to do to stay away from home, especially on weekends, cuz she has no real privacy outside of her room cuz i am stuck sitting here in the recliner with my foot up almost all the time... driving myself batty, so probably on her nerves too... but this would have been a whole lot more challenging without her...

i still fall into feeling poor-me (and poor in many ways as i cover almost all of the bills for the living space and it is a not wise fiscal choice that i was going to remedy when the least was up this year but before then, she returned and my move to a one bedroom lower rent didn't happen and she's been catching up on bills this year so i am getting poorer and poorer covering bills and still trying to live {spend} the way i want to live {foods, shows, softball, not that extravagant, but splurging beyond my means and ignoring that most of the time} and watching any hope of retiring before death dissolve into a miserable you can forget that idea buddy)...

and then there's the lack of exercise and bloating up cuz it's bad enough i have no physical life outside of dragging myself to an unappreciative office to do job i love to do (balance at work, sorta) without having to cut out foods and eat a 1200 calorie diet cuz i only burn 1000-1200 calories a day, if that much... so when i notice, body depression rolls up like a big fat dark cloud...

and this is beside the other stuff, loneliness, lack of romance or love or sex, cluttered apartment that needs cleaning really badly, dog always begging for more attention and activity than i can give, inability to shower or do anything physically as i'd like to, being totally dependent on a roommate, and feeling like a burden and in the way too much (among other stuff but hell, isn't this enough for one momentary mood?... sheeesh)...

bummer feeling, really... lucky it's only momentary...

narf...

there are so many songs

i am hearing whippoorwills tonight... and so many songs that cry out for somebody to love, that lament the loneliness of life... so many songs that express the feeling of wanting and not getting, of hunger unfulfilled, or longing for companionship, friendship, caring, sharing, love... i am feels so very alone tonight... it does not come around too often... mostly i like my solitude... but there is this deeper part of me that keeps the song need to be in love in the list of top five all-time songs... i know i need to be in love... but honesty is such a lonely word, and that is all i really need, honesty... so far i've not found it, people lie as a habit, especially to themselves... and that is not love, so i remain alone and lonely because no one wants their lie exposed, pointed out, mirrored...

i want to find and share everything with someone who lives without delusion, without fear, without lies... someone who stays awake even when the fear puts everyone else to sleep... someone who sees even when fear closes everyone's eyes... someone who does not need delusion to answer questions that do not really need answers... someone who is their own answer looking for someone else like them, like me... we are all so the same deep down, one truth, honesty... it is so lonely to know this and not be able to share it because of the walls of fear and delusion and lies around others...

yes, honesty is such a lonely word...