a whole lotta sadness going on

After seven years of sharing space and depending on each other (mostly me paying for most and depleting savings), my best friend and roommate finally found love and is moving out. It could not have come at a worse time since I am unemployed, but she is moving on to a wonderful life. I don't know where I will end up and that is not a good feeling at this point in life. The Eagles are singing Wasted Time in my mind. Life is not fair.

Not every day is depressing. Most days are quite fun since I have no responsibilities at the moment and the savings pays the bills. Oh, but when I think I how fast the savings is dwindling, that is scary.

Sigh.

afraid to be alone

suddenly i'm afraid to be alone
am i nearing the end of this life?
or am i afraid i am ready to give up?
is it time to give everything away
again?

am i allowed to be afraid?
can i feel weak and tired?
will it matter to anyone?
is this why i'm alone?

i appreciate your words
but no one cares to come around
so i am alone in this material world
and i am running out of ways to survive

to live among people costs a lot
most of waking time is spent
earning the money to pay the rent
and all the other bills that come with life
and i have no income again
and it brings me to wonder
am i nearing the end of this life?

we killed the dog today

He was almost seventeen (no, the Beatle's song is not appropriate at the moment) and could barely walk or maintain his dignity. There was not much left of his smile, though he would still nuzzle and try to lick if you put your face next to his. His breath was terrible, but love overcomes the smells of aging. His arthritis was spreading everywhere and he wimpered in his sleep. His kidneys were full of stones and he frequently peed blood. He could no longer squat to poop. Recently he could not stand to eat his whole bowl of food and watching him fall nose first into the bowl made us cry.l It could not have felt good for him either.

He is no longer in pain. He is no longer strugling to breath. But we are.

more tired

even here, tonight especially, because life presents major challenges tomorrow that will leave way too much work for me for a month or few which is not fair since i've not been able to take time off and rest for some time... the momentary moods are not always tired and sad and lonely, but the tired allows more sad and lonely in than the happy... feeling alone again and wanting to share more, but not the superficial games... i have companionship and the surface sharing is available, but the depths are not shared so it is deep down that the loneliness cries out from the long term fatigue... must find a way to take some time off, but the phone is always on as i have 24/7/365 responsibilities for more than a hundred people and for a while have not had a support system to delegate to or give me relief... not so much wah wah wah as just phew...

i still find bliss

a waterboys song plays in my head, though with my own lyrics like i just found bliss where it always was... yeah, even during deeply tired times when fatigue wants me to quit and the childinside feels there's not enough time for play and the hope and strength wanes and loneliness and sadness creep in (which is the current background mood of the past few months or longer, lately), these moments of pure bliss pop up out of the blue (maybe)... somehow never give up never surrender still makes the most sense to me (even now, after all this time, the bliis comes to me as hope as it did from the beginning)...