just a breath away

I just need to remember
how to find the party
that is always going on
somewhere in my head
something I said
I am not dead yet
no, still not dead

the highs are always just a breath away
the lows are just a death away
no matter what we do or say
the show will go on
and the music will play
and this truth will stay
no matter how low it gets today
the highs are just a breath away

and it's a wonderful feeling
to know there's no ceiling
and all the emotion
an infinite ocean
of laughter and tears
across all the years
embrace all the fears
and overcome them now
this is how

mixed in with all the dreams of love
and the fairy tales and whatever's above
there is something real right here to feel
if you just remember
just remember
the words were said
inside your head
you're still not dead
no still not dead

the highs are always just a breath away
the lows are just a death away
no matter what we do or say
the show will go on
and the music will play
and this truth will stay
no matter how low it gets today
the highs are just a breath away

and it's a wonderful feeling
to know there's no ceiling
and all the emotion
an infinite ocean
of laughter and tears
across all the years
embrace all the fears
and overcome them now
this is how

just remember this

the highs are always just a breath away
the lows are just a death away
no matter what we do or say
the show will go on
and the music will play
and this truth will stay
no matter how low it gets today
the highs are just a breath away

Stop the Spiral

So I put on my sneakers and went for a jog tonight after it stopped raining and this body is in such bad condition that it is a whole bigger reason to be depressed, but I am forgiving so I am happy I did it in spite of what it revealed. Now I just need to stop being lazy and do it every night, or at least several times a week. More distance and more jogging every time. One step at a time. That is how I used to train for marathons in younger years. So this is a good mood in spite of all the dark clouds all around. I can stop spiraling into them, even if nobody else cares.

Someday my princess will come lol :)

sad balloon

I bought a Happy Birthday balloon because she loves those and used to buy balloons for me. I bought a musical Snoopy card (those are expensive to just sit in a drawer or get tossed out eventually) because she loves musical cards and Snoopy. I bought a chocolate peanut butter caramel cupcake because that's her favorite. I was going to surprise her in the dugout at the softball game. She had to work late and missed the game and didn't stop by the fields after work.

I ate the cupcake.

Happy Every Day!

My BFF could not find time for me. I've seen her once since the move. She works a lot. That's the way it is when a BFF falls in love. I am happy for her, but sad for me. Maybe she'll find time next week on her birthday.

I got a couple of Happy Birthday texts and a comment. The friend who is letting me live here came to do some work here. He did not know it was my birthday. It is better that way, no expectations no disappointments. I learned that birthdays were meaningless at a very young age and decided to celebrate every day. I am sad because birthdays mean a lot to her when the person means a lot to her.

I guess I must accept reality and swallow seven years of being used for money. That brings tears. She always said the right words. Still does, every day in texts. Still says Nite Nite, Love You with a big smiley face every night and textes during every day. She just doesn't have the time.

I bought chocolate covered creme filled donuts that I love and am celebrating. Listening to the Moody Blues Blue Jays because John Denver's Seasons of the Heart is just too sad right now. Lenka helps a lot. I love The Show and play it over and over, but I love the whole CD. She makes me laugh. Just enjoy the show. I want my money back lol. Most of me is loving the solitude and free time and donuts.

Happy Every Day! :)

feels like the end

While the days passed over the last few months the dark clouds followed me around and I played like nothing was happening most of the time. Watching TV and browsing the internet became a necessity to distract me from the emptiness and avoidance. I used Facebook to give me something to do, creating more than two dozen pages for all the different moods and topics I read about. Like my own internet library of artcles and images and words. Now I am in the new space. No TV. Facebook blocked me.

Sleep.

a whole lotta sighing going on

Trepidation is a mood, I think. She is almost gone. All of her stuff leaves this weekend and she spends most nights at her new place. I've not been invited over. It feels so awkward. I will likely stay in an unfinished room in a house of a friend that has been used for storage. He talked about fixing it up a bit, putting in hot water and a shower and electricity. That would ne nice. I don't want to be depressed, but I feel like nobody cares. Except one friend who is giving me space with a roof. The sighing is mostly wondering if the BFF was ever really a friend at all. Or just another kid I took care of along the way.

a whole lotta avoiding going on

She is almost never home so we almost never talk which might make the coming changes and separation easier for her, after all, she is moving to a comfortable place where she will be loved and taken care of. Neither of us want to think about where I might end up, no less talk about it. We don't make eye contact anymore. Yet she still calls me her BFF. It is confusing. I need another distraction.