Has It Been So Long?

Nope, not so long, no way goodbye, never give up, never surrender, but... sometimes I feel so confident and positive that I'll convince you to start writing to yourself and to me. Sometimes, well...


why do people stay so far away?
do I have bad breath?
a repulsive aura?
smelly energy?

all I want to do is give and help and love
just like the holy words people say come from above
I just want to be kind and keep an open mind
and honesty is all I hope to find

so why does everyone I know leave me far behind?

I must smell really bad
I must make people sad
I must whatever...
... fall asleep laughing, apparently, because the loneliness doesn't keep me awake anymore... in fact, it must bore me.

Nite nite lol...

Narf :)

just a breath away

I just need to remember
how to find the party
that is always going on
somewhere in my head
something I said
I am not dead yet
no, still not dead

the highs are always just a breath away
the lows are just a death away
no matter what we do or say
the show will go on
and the music will play
and this truth will stay
no matter how low it gets today
the highs are just a breath away

and it's a wonderful feeling
to know there's no ceiling
and all the emotion
an infinite ocean
of laughter and tears
across all the years
embrace all the fears
and overcome them now
this is how

mixed in with all the dreams of love
and the fairy tales and whatever's above
there is something real right here to feel
if you just remember
just remember
the words were said
inside your head
you're still not dead
no still not dead

the highs are always just a breath away
the lows are just a death away
no matter what we do or say
the show will go on
and the music will play
and this truth will stay
no matter how low it gets today
the highs are just a breath away

and it's a wonderful feeling
to know there's no ceiling
and all the emotion
an infinite ocean
of laughter and tears
across all the years
embrace all the fears
and overcome them now
this is how

just remember this

the highs are always just a breath away
the lows are just a death away
no matter what we do or say
the show will go on
and the music will play
and this truth will stay
no matter how low it gets today
the highs are just a breath away

Stop the Spiral

So I put on my sneakers and went for a jog tonight after it stopped raining and this body is in such bad condition that it is a whole bigger reason to be depressed, but I am forgiving so I am happy I did it in spite of what it revealed. Now I just need to stop being lazy and do it every night, or at least several times a week. More distance and more jogging every time. One step at a time. That is how I used to train for marathons in younger years. So this is a good mood in spite of all the dark clouds all around. I can stop spiraling into them, even if nobody else cares.

Someday my princess will come lol :)

sad balloon

I bought a Happy Birthday balloon because she loves those and used to buy balloons for me. I bought a musical Snoopy card (those are expensive to just sit in a drawer or get tossed out eventually) because she loves musical cards and Snoopy. I bought a chocolate peanut butter caramel cupcake because that's her favorite. I was going to surprise her in the dugout at the softball game. She had to work late and missed the game and didn't stop by the fields after work.

I ate the cupcake.

Happy Every Day!

My BFF could not find time for me. I've seen her once since the move. She works a lot. That's the way it is when a BFF falls in love. I am happy for her, but sad for me. Maybe she'll find time next week on her birthday.

I got a couple of Happy Birthday texts and a comment. The friend who is letting me live here came to do some work here. He did not know it was my birthday. It is better that way, no expectations no disappointments. I learned that birthdays were meaningless at a very young age and decided to celebrate every day. I am sad because birthdays mean a lot to her when the person means a lot to her.

I guess I must accept reality and swallow seven years of being used for money. That brings tears. She always said the right words. Still does, every day in texts. Still says Nite Nite, Love You with a big smiley face every night and textes during every day. She just doesn't have the time.

I bought chocolate covered creme filled donuts that I love and am celebrating. Listening to the Moody Blues Blue Jays because John Denver's Seasons of the Heart is just too sad right now. Lenka helps a lot. I love The Show and play it over and over, but I love the whole CD. She makes me laugh. Just enjoy the show. I want my money back lol. Most of me is loving the solitude and free time and donuts.

Happy Every Day! :)

feels like the end

While the days passed over the last few months the dark clouds followed me around and I played like nothing was happening most of the time. Watching TV and browsing the internet became a necessity to distract me from the emptiness and avoidance. I used Facebook to give me something to do, creating more than two dozen pages for all the different moods and topics I read about. Like my own internet library of artcles and images and words. Now I am in the new space. No TV. Facebook blocked me.

Sleep.

a whole lotta sighing going on

Trepidation is a mood, I think. She is almost gone. All of her stuff leaves this weekend and she spends most nights at her new place. I've not been invited over. It feels so awkward. I will likely stay in an unfinished room in a house of a friend that has been used for storage. He talked about fixing it up a bit, putting in hot water and a shower and electricity. That would ne nice. I don't want to be depressed, but I feel like nobody cares. Except one friend who is giving me space with a roof. The sighing is mostly wondering if the BFF was ever really a friend at all. Or just another kid I took care of along the way.

a whole lotta avoiding going on

She is almost never home so we almost never talk which might make the coming changes and separation easier for her, after all, she is moving to a comfortable place where she will be loved and taken care of. Neither of us want to think about where I might end up, no less talk about it. We don't make eye contact anymore. Yet she still calls me her BFF. It is confusing. I need another distraction.

a whole lotta sadness going on

After seven years of sharing space and depending on each other (mostly me paying for most and depleting savings), my best friend and roommate finally found love and is moving out. It could not have come at a worse time since I am unemployed, but she is moving on to a wonderful life. I don't know where I will end up and that is not a good feeling at this point in life. The Eagles are singing Wasted Time in my mind. Life is not fair.

Not every day is depressing. Most days are quite fun since I have no responsibilities at the moment and the savings pays the bills. Oh, but when I think I how fast the savings is dwindling, that is scary.

Sigh.

afraid to be alone

suddenly i'm afraid to be alone
am i nearing the end of this life?
or am i afraid i am ready to give up?
is it time to give everything away
again?

am i allowed to be afraid?
can i feel weak and tired?
will it matter to anyone?
is this why i'm alone?

i appreciate your words
but no one cares to come around
so i am alone in this material world
and i am running out of ways to survive

to live among people costs a lot
most of waking time is spent
earning the money to pay the rent
and all the other bills that come with life
and i have no income again
and it brings me to wonder
am i nearing the end of this life?

we killed the dog today

He was almost seventeen (no, the Beatle's song is not appropriate at the moment) and could barely walk or maintain his dignity. There was not much left of his smile, though he would still nuzzle and try to lick if you put your face next to his. His breath was terrible, but love overcomes the smells of aging. His arthritis was spreading everywhere and he wimpered in his sleep. His kidneys were full of stones and he frequently peed blood. He could no longer squat to poop. Recently he could not stand to eat his whole bowl of food and watching him fall nose first into the bowl made us cry.l It could not have felt good for him either.

He is no longer in pain. He is no longer strugling to breath. But we are.

more tired

even here, tonight especially, because life presents major challenges tomorrow that will leave way too much work for me for a month or few which is not fair since i've not been able to take time off and rest for some time... the momentary moods are not always tired and sad and lonely, but the tired allows more sad and lonely in than the happy... feeling alone again and wanting to share more, but not the superficial games... i have companionship and the surface sharing is available, but the depths are not shared so it is deep down that the loneliness cries out from the long term fatigue... must find a way to take some time off, but the phone is always on as i have 24/7/365 responsibilities for more than a hundred people and for a while have not had a support system to delegate to or give me relief... not so much wah wah wah as just phew...

i still find bliss

a waterboys song plays in my head, though with my own lyrics like i just found bliss where it always was... yeah, even during deeply tired times when fatigue wants me to quit and the childinside feels there's not enough time for play and the hope and strength wanes and loneliness and sadness creep in (which is the current background mood of the past few months or longer, lately), these moments of pure bliss pop up out of the blue (maybe)... somehow never give up never surrender still makes the most sense to me (even now, after all this time, the bliis comes to me as hope as it did from the beginning)...

so tired

working more hours than is healthy for the body while determined to drop weight as quickly as possible i am left so very tired, so very tired, the dramatic kind of tired... the kind of tired that wants long deep sleep for days, but unfortunately i do not have days... i have tonight, tomorrow, and then, back to work... sleep, how i long for sleep, i am so tired... i must somehow remember where i live... i must remember this moment will pass and in spite of the bleary eyes and foggy mind of such deep fatigue, i must go home...

dysthymia

the risk of trusting others, the risk of the betrayal that so often comes from giving unconditional trust, the risk of the loss of trust, of faith, of hope... it lingers, the pain of betrayal, deep to the core and just below the surface... i must find a way our of the darkness of despair, i must find my way out of this painful hopeless feeling... and day to day, keeping busy, i do... and at my core where i live, alone, i do, but the loss of trust, the feeling of not feeling safe in my living space, that is the mood these days outside and all around me... the best i can do, for now, is close my eyes and watch my world unfold before me...

betrayed

oh, and it hurts so much... the betrayal of family stealing money hurts, but the theft of the trust, the loss of trust is what hurts so much more... this moment is one of the most painful moments i've known, may it pass quickly, even though the damage will last for a long long time... i can forgive, but never forget, betrayal and loss of the purity of trust never completely goes away... that is the deepest pain, knowing the trust is gone...

u4rea

the status quo inside returns to the surface more often than not as i realize this blog is mostly about the other extremes, the less happy feelings, the momentary moods far from euphoria... it is the roller coaster tide of life that brings the highs and lows and that is what makes the highs all the more wonderful... i only go down so that i may go up again... and up to euphoria, where i live, where i am me, that is where i belong... and where i am most of the time, and all i need do is remember this moment of euphoria is home...

alone

feeling so alone, a celebrating a birthday all by yourself kind of alone, an aging and stressed over dying alone kind of alone, a last breath alone kind of alone... so alone... it is beyond lonely, it is empy, hopeless, an aching so all encompasing it makes everything else pale to numbness, kist loneliness, just alone...

new car smile

while materialism is not my thing, buying a new car does feel good... even thought it would be easier to have more fun with the extra money that is now going toward a car payment, driving a new car is much more fun than driving an old one... and it's running so well, so i am enjoying a new car smile :)

frustration

the feeling is frustration for the moment, frustration with a roommate who does not pay her share and has not for years, frustration that i adopted her as family as i've done with others in this life because i love to help people, care for people, and ultimately, buy family... frustration with this habit i have of allowing myself to be used just to believe someone lives me and wants to be part of my life... frustration because i am believing a promise that it will change and have put myself in a serious financial obligation dependent upon that change... frustrated because she has promised before and has not followed through and i may be putting myself too far out on a limb this time as i have in the past... frustrated because i always know better and do it anyway... so nothing new, just the same old frustration returning, for the moment...