keep in touch

if you care, you keep in touch
any infant knows this much
a baby cries when it is ignored
a baby cries when it is not adored

if you care, you show you care
any infant is this aware
a baby cries when left behind
a baby cries when people are unkind

you can pretend you are too busy
you can pretend that you don't know
you can pretend anything you want
but how you feel will always show

how you feel will always show
in what you do
if you care, everyone will know
it is you
how you feel will always show
in what you do
you can't hide what is true

how you feel will always show
in what you do

awkward night (part 1)

awkward and uncomfortable night
sleeping in the wrong place
baby comes looking for mommy
finds me and screams
trauma for future nights?
not sleeping now...

bed is dirty
not sure what it is
chocolate cake or dried feces
or just dirt
babies and dogs slept here last
ignored it at first
not sleeping now.

cold and clothes out in the car
not sure how to get out of house
need to pee too
not sure which room is the bathroom
too dark to explore
don't want to wake the babies
don't like scaring babies.

click click click clock
very noisy clock next to my head
ignored it at first
not sleeping now.

nobody awake to talk to
nobody awake at night
nobody i know
nobody nobody no body
i am
nobody.

not sleeping tonight.

i feel sad

that people disappear from life for years, for even if they really did once care and even if they still think they do, caring is a verb and it is either done or not done... caring only in the mind is like dreaming only when you sleep, secrets you keep to yourself... everybody seems to do that... and i keep wanting to believe someone will keep in touch just because they care and not just because they need something from me... perhaps it is just my experience, but it is my experience and when i look at people and see they are not there, i feel sad...

should i feel abandoned?

of course, for the cycle repeats again and again, the words, the contact, the occasional friends suddenly return with words of love and even worship and then, just as suddenly disappear and demonstrate my true lack of importance in their lives... and those who said the most wonderful words run the cycle to the extremes and those who supposedly loved the most and deepest dropped out of contact for the longest... because it wasn't real?... because i am not perfect?... because i did something unforgivable?... regardless, they stopped communicating, broke contact, and i am left alone...

abandoned?...

lonely

while most of the time i am too busy these days to feel much of anything other than the excitement of living in the moment and enjoying myself and the challenges i work through at work and on the softball field and in games, there are moments when i want more than just the pleasure of being me and enjoying the moment... in these moments, usually brought on by being all caught up on comment responding and feeling like there's no one in this life who really cares enough to be here and share life with me every day, a moment when when time stands still for a moment, i feel lonely...

this is one of those moments...