funny ha ha?

so for those who might know the history of the writer, the old guy who adopted the writer's body when the writer was 14 years old (after entering the writer's life when the writer was ten or so years younger) was born on this date... too bad the old guy died late last year or he'd have been a centagenarian, centurian, centipede, whatever, however it might be spelled... too bad his sons are just like him and somehow usurped his will and left the writer with nothing, which is just what the writer expected in spite of the hope the writer knew was foolish from the start... too bad the mother died before he did so all her money went to him... the writer knew she lied when she said the writer was in her will, but that's the way that family was... they always lied cuz they couldn't deal with truth... anyway, it's the number 100 that the writer finds interesting... the writer wonders if the writer will live to 100... the writer doubts it...

the writer is not as somber as it might seem here, actually... just getting home from softball (subbed in for a friend's team) and went 2 for 2, a triple and a double, and five rbis and one run scored (left on third after the triple)... the game was called after two innings cuz we were up by 20 runs... good night, would have liked to play longer... long day at work with many complications (and still getting phone calls)... anyway, good day, better night, busy, tired, feeling good...

wonder if i will still be playing softball when i am a hundred... whatever is such a good place to be for me cuz i care more than ever there, just not needing anything... i miss needing a little, sometimes more, seldom a lot these days... alas and all, but whatever inspires my giggles... wish you were in a better place... i'll be around when you get there...

stay positive, you are stronger than you feel...

this week i was

happy sad mad frustrated blissful tired silly weird generous disciplined calm excited busy overworked underpaid sleepless nowhere wait, (ing) are these moods?

magic moments

the last ten minutes (about) of it's a wonderful life floors me every time no matter how many times i've seen it... there are other films that grab me, hold me, melt me, and compel me to an emotional catharsis on different levels (wide range of types, from miracle on 34th st to fifth element to hook to some even more diverse), but few can kick me out of complacent egotism or detached intellectualism as well as it's a wonderful life...

thanks all who made it, every one :)

special day

some days i just want to be special, that is, some days i just want the day to be special...

sometimes it is :)

special

i just want to be special to somebody, not just yeah you're special in passing and then days go by before another hello, but special every day, so special that when a few hours go by without contact an achy-breaky heart yearns for the sound of my voice, eye contact, and the touch of my hand... it doesn't have to be romantic falling in love, but that would be a sweet connection too... i just want to be special enough to someone so that their day just is not right unless i am a big part of it and so special that the whole world knows it... i don't ask for any more than i give, in fact, i give a whole lot more than i am asking for every time... would be weird to have it any other way...

maybe even special...

out of place euphoria

moods come and go so quickly sometimes that one or another can seem so out of place amidst the events and circumstances of the day (or night) as a day full of good fortune can see a few tears and a day full of misery can see a glimpse of euphoria, but when pure bliss is the base emotion upon which all others are draw, it is the most frequently out of place of all (and so therein least mentioned, aye?)...

bliss :)

i wasn't feeling this way

last month, or whenever this was, i was full of hope and prosper, as if prosper was something to be full of, and the bliss i know as me was shinging brightly in my eyes (even if i'm the only one who saw me)... or was it this month that i feel this way?... time travels in weird circles :)

always

yes, always, i'm in the mood for love, always, i'll be loving you, always, here in the moment of time passing by, always, chasing rainbows, always, something there to remind me, always, on my mind, always, in my heart, always, love you, i will, always, run to you, always, run to me, always, i will follow you, always, right here waiting, always, a woman to me, always, loving you, always, wanna be with you, always, whatever, always :)

freaking memory

yeah, last week i got blasted from the past and this week another and the photos are chilling and inspiring and so very sad because so many i've loved are still out there and i can see their photos on the new social netowrking sites and yet, no contact, no interaction, no continuance and yet, always in memory, freaking memory, even when i am not in the mood to remember...

so many emotions collide at this point, but still, i would rather remember than forget cuz i know it is better to have loved...

you?

promises

yeah, with another song playing on repeat because of the magical connection i saw in the singer's eyes and smile the first time we met in the rain on warped tour and that one look was enough to fall in love with her and her voice and music and now new words leading me back to the first time in the program office the love at first site swallowed all reason and cause to leave me living on hope in the bliss of lust and uninhibited trust and blind faith in unconditional love if only she did too...

bipolar

definitely euphoric depression, or is it the euphoric that is depressing because it is not shared... surely it isn't that the depression is euphoric... rhetoric, perhaps, but there are so many ways to view everything, how can a point be a line without another point to connect to...

sigh, when all that's left to do is alas, smile and enjoy the flow :)

neglected, unappreciation, ignored, or unnoticed

one of those words express the feeling of the momentary mood that flows at this moment and my mind wanders through the bullsugar finding questions like is this collection of videos genius or nonsense or meaningless disconjointed random pop news or some profound message from within me or without me or what about this collection of videos raising similar, though different questions... and then there's all the other stuff (volumous humungous, even)...

do i deserve more attention?...

future times

and what's wrong with a future where people are no longer hung up on fears of nudity or sexuality or egocentric power struggles and finally actualize the honest love and caring and pleasure we can share in this physical life?

if you have an answer, you belong in the past...

as if we could

at this moment i feel as if we could overcome anything and share perfect peace and harmony, however briefly, every single day simply by smiling at each other (even from a distance, sending a smile, hello, few words that take thirty seconds to type and send)... it is possible...

yes, at this moment i feel as if we could...

bliss too

yes, the normal ordinary everyday mood between bits of cashews and milk chocolate is bliss, simple euphoric (and often effervescent) bliss...




what?... I didn’t say bliss was entertaining :)

top of the world

the softball world, at least... we won the first game of the season, lost the next one, won the third game, lost the fourth... then, today, we eight weeks later, we won our tenth game in a row and the last one was the championship game... we are the champions, my friends... went out celebrating, championship dinner, got trophies, t-shirts, awards, the league voted our team the spirit award and the team voted me mvp... ego flies, heart smiles, and and and...

it feels pretty amazing...

past moments (#1001)

There are moments I miss the life and busy travel I knew as a professional in NYC and reading your site reminds me. Having tried many lifestyles from penthouse to streets and retired a few times and now one of the working poor, I wonder if I should unretire again. Reading your words might be helpful or a pain, we shall see.

a comment inspired by

November 2, 2003 2:52 PM

spinning into control

sometimes the mind focuses with such clarity that everything in the universe and beyond, known and unknown, makes perfect sense to me and if i ever find the words to explain it, i'll let you know... until then, excuse me if i just enjoy the heck out of the moments :)

bipolar

is usually defined as (or by) cycles of depression and elation or mania that often affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause serious problems and embarrassment or grave problems... and statistics say 2.6 percent of the population aged 18 and older, have bipolar disorder... so maybe i ought to wonder, being that i have made some impulsive decisions that have undermined or even destroyed my fondest dreams and lead to rather horrible experiences at times and left me alone when being in a partnership is one of my fondest dreams, if i am not bipolar since i experience hyper highs that bounce me off the walls for days on end and dark deep depressions that have, at times, left me curled up in closets for days on end...

or i could just be a drama queen...

thing is, most of the time, i experience the seemingly perfect peace, joy, and happiness of super hyper giddy euphoric and the debilitating almost suicidal depression simultaneously... the depths of sadness i feel about being alone in this world amidst the seriously suicidal human species and the near perfect euphoria i feel just being alive is the constant state of being in my mind...

at least for the moment...

sugar buzz

yeah, so i should be sleeping (as i used to say in the title of my first online daily babblings) and i really should not eat after midnight or even after dark cuz age has slowed the already slow metabolism (probably why the body seems to stay young, it's not burning itself out on it's own... if only i'd stop doing it for it, aye) but instead here i am buzzing on sugar cuz i just ate two cans of pineapples in juice and syrup (i added the syrup myself cuz i prefer pineapple in 100% juice when buying canned pineapple, i mean, in case you wanted to know cuz you were considered what kind of canned fruit to buy me... of course fresh pineapple is even more delicious, but all that cutting can be dangerous after midnight when i am tired or even buzzed after eating a lot of pineapple in 100% juice spiked with syrup)... the buzz feels almost as wonderful as it would feel if i was sharing intimacy with a libido fantasy... almost, i said almost... soon, i will crash and sleep, not long enough, but at least some sleep is better than none in the long run... but for now, oh, the sweet buzz is fun :)