special

i just want to be special to somebody, not just yeah you're special in passing and then days go by before another hello, but special every day, so special that when a few hours go by without contact an achy-breaky heart yearns for the sound of my voice, eye contact, and the touch of my hand... it doesn't have to be romantic falling in love, but that would be a sweet connection too... i just want to be special enough to someone so that their day just is not right unless i am a big part of it and so special that the whole world knows it... i don't ask for any more than i give, in fact, i give a whole lot more than i am asking for every time... would be weird to have it any other way...

maybe even special...

vulnerability (what goes around...)

loneliness, sadness, wanting to sleep when there is so much to do, sleeping to avoid facing the aloneness... wanting to cry for myself, feeling like nobody really loves me because nobody puts me first... and i am always left with the clean up... alone... nobody ever leaves me well taken care of or even taken care of... and this feeling may be an emo pity party exaggerated in my mind, but the evidence is everywhere... no art, no creative play, no positive spin, just alone...

as if i was not meant to avoid some things (like {wide-eyed wonder} the personal journals and diaries i found left sitting right next to me?... wow, is that an accident or is that trust and conscious or not, actually intentional deliberate hope for continued connection and a real life safety net?)... fool, there is always hope... or at least there is always the positive spin lol lam laa)... sigh :}

i can only hope i did good and this time... something comes around...