vulnerability (what goes around...)

loneliness, sadness, wanting to sleep when there is so much to do, sleeping to avoid facing the aloneness... wanting to cry for myself, feeling like nobody really loves me because nobody puts me first... and i am always left with the clean up... alone... nobody ever leaves me well taken care of or even taken care of... and this feeling may be an emo pity party exaggerated in my mind, but the evidence is everywhere... no art, no creative play, no positive spin, just alone...

as if i was not meant to avoid some things (like {wide-eyed wonder} the personal journals and diaries i found left sitting right next to me?... wow, is that an accident or is that trust and conscious or not, actually intentional deliberate hope for continued connection and a real life safety net?)... fool, there is always hope... or at least there is always the positive spin lol lam laa)... sigh :}

i can only hope i did good and this time... something comes around...

always

yes, always, i'm in the mood for love, always, i'll be loving you, always, here in the moment of time passing by, always, chasing rainbows, always, something there to remind me, always, on my mind, always, in my heart, always, love you, i will, always, run to you, always, run to me, always, i will follow you, always, right here waiting, always, a woman to me, always, loving you, always, wanna be with you, always, whatever, always :)

bipolar

definitely euphoric depression, or is it the euphoric that is depressing because it is not shared... surely it isn't that the depression is euphoric... rhetoric, perhaps, but there are so many ways to view everything, how can a point be a line without another point to connect to...

sigh, when all that's left to do is alas, smile and enjoy the flow :)

future times

and what's wrong with a future where people are no longer hung up on fears of nudity or sexuality or egocentric power struggles and finally actualize the honest love and caring and pleasure we can share in this physical life?

if you have an answer, you belong in the past...

past moments (#1001)

There are moments I miss the life and busy travel I knew as a professional in NYC and reading your site reminds me. Having tried many lifestyles from penthouse to streets and retired a few times and now one of the working poor, I wonder if I should unretire again. Reading your words might be helpful or a pain, we shall see.

a comment inspired by

November 2, 2003 2:52 PM

sick and tired

and yet i still wanna party all the time party all the time party all the time and yet, still wondering wandering on my semi-quixotic quest for someone to love love love (with the obligatory shock value and babble just (just?... is there really any justice in this world?... never mind this distraction, get the point already) to keep us on our toes… and real… you can’t know it all, but you must…

momentary moments

if i did actually come by and drop words out here in the ether whenever i could (or whenever i felt like sharing, which would be even more often), most of the words would fly right by in thereal real time cuz who has time to check in several times a day and who even wants to keep in touch that much...

besides me, i mean...

sometimes, it's done

and there's nothing left to do.

consistency

if i came here every day and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever...

would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?

understanding

are you afraid that if you actually realized that you could understand everything that maybe your head would fall off or something?

love for a birthday

bliss comes in the most unexpected moments when you forget the timeline and the connections, but when you remember, everything happens just when it is supposed to...

tic toc

BY

toc

GO

tic

TIME

toc

THE

toc

LOOK

sometimes I feel

sometimes I feel like a prophet and sometimes I feel like a fool, but mostly I am feeling lonely of late and I'm tired of it and that's not cool... right now I feel like nobody cares enough to be here to care for me cuz nobody is so nobody does and this has beeing going on for some time now... I still want to believe in love and hope and friends and caring and love, but I've got no proof it exists anymore and what I once thought I had is so gone, maybe it never was...

are we luckier to be alone when we die, so no one mourns more than a moment or two or are we luckier to die in the arms of someone who will mourn us forever and want us to be together again somehow someday, if that's even possible...

might depend on whether we define mourn as die or as celebrate...

I'm celebrating, personally, all alone.

unpleasant

the computer is insufficient... the body is dying... the space is filthy... the laundry is not done... the worries are coming... the doubts are forming... the hope is waning... the mind is going numb... the heart is sleeping (will it die in it's sleep?)... the child is crying (promises are meant to keep)... the way is wobbly (and the lost are being found)... the best I can do is hope someone comes around before I'm gone... and I leave these words behind to carry on...