manickakakaka

you ought to know by now (thank's for the thought, billy)... i'm moving again, walking gently on the foot for up to an hour a day and more than that, bouncing around inside almost kinda like i used to... hey, this is my life, after all... the only thing i want to change for the moment (within my power to change) is sleeping habits cuz i slept maybe a couple of hours in the past few days, or longer, and the brain may freeze up on me at this rate... but the heart, anita, but the heart... yeah, bouncing around almost kinda sorta like i used to...

it's a wonderful mood (and bells are ringing, for me, at least :)

cha cha cha challenge

yeah, the bliss of freedom and the fear of loss of connections (few people want to be socially connected with a homeless person)... so part of me wants to move one from this modern life of struggling for money and never having enough time to enjoy what money can buy and part of me wants to be comfortably indoors for as long as i am alive... so i don't want to sleep in a box on the street or in a park or on a beach or mountain, but i am so tired of the rat race that pays for the four walls and all the incidentals (meals, clothes, and social recreational fun fun fun)... so the mood is a challenge, torn between wanting the be in a position to find friends and even the one and wanting to relax and retire and enjoy life without the crap... we don't have to ask what it the one is living in a box in a park or the beach or...

oh, just get this overwith already, will ya...

up down turn around

no, don't turn around, there's nothing to see back there, best left behind... one moment i am full of hope and optimism and gleefully enjoying being as i usually do and the next moment i am feeling like it's time to give up on the madness that is life in this modern world... really stessful amd challenging... =========...

don't tell anybody, but

i'm freaking out a bit... maybe even a lot... no income is scary... i mean, no joke... freaking out... but that is definitely not gonna look good on a resume or at job interview, so don't tell anybody, k?... thanks.

what was that about softball?

i recall wondering if i will be playing softball when i am 100 years old some time ago and that was a few days before i stopped playing softball and have not played since cuz of an injury that has kept me on crutches for seven weeks and will continue to keep me on crutches a few more weeks and the momentary moods have fluctuated from highs to lows even more than usual, especially the lows... it's easy to get depressed and feel like nobody really cares and think about what the old age years will be like when all there is to do is sit around tapping keys, playing solo games, listening to music, watching tv, physically vegetating and waiting for somebody to notice i disappeared from the social activities i was sharing for years...

poof, i was gone...

not having a partner in life is more challenging than ever these days, but at least i have a roommate who, while moody at times, has a wonderful heart and has mostly daily (when she's around and in town) done a lot to help me survive... she probably looks for things to do to stay away from home, especially on weekends, cuz she has no real privacy outside of her room cuz i am stuck sitting here in the recliner with my foot up almost all the time... driving myself batty, so probably on her nerves too... but this would have been a whole lot more challenging without her...

i still fall into feeling poor-me (and poor in many ways as i cover almost all of the bills for the living space and it is a not wise fiscal choice that i was going to remedy when the least was up this year but before then, she returned and my move to a one bedroom lower rent didn't happen and she's been catching up on bills this year so i am getting poorer and poorer covering bills and still trying to live {spend} the way i want to live {foods, shows, softball, not that extravagant, but splurging beyond my means and ignoring that most of the time} and watching any hope of retiring before death dissolve into a miserable you can forget that idea buddy)...

and then there's the lack of exercise and bloating up cuz it's bad enough i have no physical life outside of dragging myself to an unappreciative office to do job i love to do (balance at work, sorta) without having to cut out foods and eat a 1200 calorie diet cuz i only burn 1000-1200 calories a day, if that much... so when i notice, body depression rolls up like a big fat dark cloud...

and this is beside the other stuff, loneliness, lack of romance or love or sex, cluttered apartment that needs cleaning really badly, dog always begging for more attention and activity than i can give, inability to shower or do anything physically as i'd like to, being totally dependent on a roommate, and feeling like a burden and in the way too much (among other stuff but hell, isn't this enough for one momentary mood?... sheeesh)...

bummer feeling, really... lucky it's only momentary...

narf...

there are so many songs

i am hearing whippoorwills tonight... and so many songs that cry out for somebody to love, that lament the loneliness of life... so many songs that express the feeling of wanting and not getting, of hunger unfulfilled, or longing for companionship, friendship, caring, sharing, love... i am feels so very alone tonight... it does not come around too often... mostly i like my solitude... but there is this deeper part of me that keeps the song need to be in love in the list of top five all-time songs... i know i need to be in love... but honesty is such a lonely word, and that is all i really need, honesty... so far i've not found it, people lie as a habit, especially to themselves... and that is not love, so i remain alone and lonely because no one wants their lie exposed, pointed out, mirrored...

i want to find and share everything with someone who lives without delusion, without fear, without lies... someone who stays awake even when the fear puts everyone else to sleep... someone who sees even when fear closes everyone's eyes... someone who does not need delusion to answer questions that do not really need answers... someone who is their own answer looking for someone else like them, like me... we are all so the same deep down, one truth, honesty... it is so lonely to know this and not be able to share it because of the walls of fear and delusion and lies around others...

yes, honesty is such a lonely word...

funny ha ha?

so for those who might know the history of the writer, the old guy who adopted the writer's body when the writer was 14 years old (after entering the writer's life when the writer was ten or so years younger) was born on this date... too bad the old guy died late last year or he'd have been a centagenarian, centurian, centipede, whatever, however it might be spelled... too bad his sons are just like him and somehow usurped his will and left the writer with nothing, which is just what the writer expected in spite of the hope the writer knew was foolish from the start... too bad the mother died before he did so all her money went to him... the writer knew she lied when she said the writer was in her will, but that's the way that family was... they always lied cuz they couldn't deal with truth... anyway, it's the number 100 that the writer finds interesting... the writer wonders if the writer will live to 100... the writer doubts it...

the writer is not as somber as it might seem here, actually... just getting home from softball (subbed in for a friend's team) and went 2 for 2, a triple and a double, and five rbis and one run scored (left on third after the triple)... the game was called after two innings cuz we were up by 20 runs... good night, would have liked to play longer... long day at work with many complications (and still getting phone calls)... anyway, good day, better night, busy, tired, feeling good...

wonder if i will still be playing softball when i am a hundred... whatever is such a good place to be for me cuz i care more than ever there, just not needing anything... i miss needing a little, sometimes more, seldom a lot these days... alas and all, but whatever inspires my giggles... wish you were in a better place... i'll be around when you get there...

stay positive, you are stronger than you feel...

dichotomous polarity

blissful taste buds sugar rush fat bliss and loneliness still seeps through as i put aside the video game distraction and watch the odder side of tv, sci fi, being human and lost girl and sure, always the outsider with some deep dark secret super power, are we really such an egocentric species that it has to be all about being human?... add the stupidity of self-destruction and the weepy emo weakness of the glimmer of potential for goodness and any non-human species with superior senses or powers feeling like they are missing something is as delusional as the typical human... but then, these shows are made for humans by humans, after all... duh...

but i wish i could share, even if it was just a momentary illusion...

sometimes...

magic moments

the last ten minutes (about) of it's a wonderful life floors me every time no matter how many times i've seen it... there are other films that grab me, hold me, melt me, and compel me to an emotional catharsis on different levels (wide range of types, from miracle on 34th st to fifth element to hook to some even more diverse), but few can kick me out of complacent egotism or detached intellectualism as well as it's a wonderful life...

thanks all who made it, every one :)

special day

some days i just want to be special, that is, some days i just want the day to be special...

sometimes it is :)

sometimes i am so amusing

to myself, at least :)

special

i just want to be special to somebody, not just yeah you're special in passing and then days go by before another hello, but special every day, so special that when a few hours go by without contact an achy-breaky heart yearns for the sound of my voice, eye contact, and the touch of my hand... it doesn't have to be romantic falling in love, but that would be a sweet connection too... i just want to be special enough to someone so that their day just is not right unless i am a big part of it and so special that the whole world knows it... i don't ask for any more than i give, in fact, i give a whole lot more than i am asking for every time... would be weird to have it any other way...

maybe even special...

out of place euphoria

moods come and go so quickly sometimes that one or another can seem so out of place amidst the events and circumstances of the day (or night) as a day full of good fortune can see a few tears and a day full of misery can see a glimpse of euphoria, but when pure bliss is the base emotion upon which all others are draw, it is the most frequently out of place of all (and so therein least mentioned, aye?)...

bliss :)

not so much

while loneliness grows deeper and louder of late, my ambivalence with trusting another person remains as strong as ever as i realize that i do not need to trust in order to give it all away... disappointment still comes even though i expect people to take and not share and leave me when they have taken all they quietly could because hopes springs eternal, or something like that...

will no one stay awake with me?

i wasn't feeling this way

last month, or whenever this was, i was full of hope and prosper, as if prosper was something to be full of, and the bliss i know as me was shinging brightly in my eyes (even if i'm the only one who saw me)... or was it this month that i feel this way?... time travels in weird circles :)

always

yes, always, i'm in the mood for love, always, i'll be loving you, always, here in the moment of time passing by, always, chasing rainbows, always, something there to remind me, always, on my mind, always, in my heart, always, love you, i will, always, run to you, always, run to me, always, i will follow you, always, right here waiting, always, a woman to me, always, loving you, always, wanna be with you, always, whatever, always :)

freaking memory

yeah, last week i got blasted from the past and this week another and the photos are chilling and inspiring and so very sad because so many i've loved are still out there and i can see their photos on the new social netowrking sites and yet, no contact, no interaction, no continuance and yet, always in memory, freaking memory, even when i am not in the mood to remember...

so many emotions collide at this point, but still, i would rather remember than forget cuz i know it is better to have loved...

you?

promises

yeah, with another song playing on repeat because of the magical connection i saw in the singer's eyes and smile the first time we met in the rain on warped tour and that one look was enough to fall in love with her and her voice and music and now new words leading me back to the first time in the program office the love at first site swallowed all reason and cause to leave me living on hope in the bliss of lust and uninhibited trust and blind faith in unconditional love if only she did too...

how alone is alone?

the real (as opposed to e-the-real, i supposed), is alone... individuality is alone... freedom is alone... everything that makes this life what it is, a solitary hourney within a physical vessel, is alone...

am i feeling lonely?...

bipolar

definitely euphoric depression, or is it the euphoric that is depressing because it is not shared... surely it isn't that the depression is euphoric... rhetoric, perhaps, but there are so many ways to view everything, how can a point be a line without another point to connect to...

sigh, when all that's left to do is alas, smile and enjoy the flow :)