keep in touch

if you care, you keep in touch
any infant knows this much
a baby cries when it is ignored
a baby cries when it is not adored

if you care, you show you care
any infant is this aware
a baby cries when left behind
a baby cries when people are unkind

you can pretend you are too busy
you can pretend that you don't know
you can pretend anything you want
but how you feel will always show

how you feel will always show
in what you do
if you care, everyone will know
it is you
how you feel will always show
in what you do
you can't hide what is true

how you feel will always show
in what you do

manickakakaka

you ought to know by now (thank's for the thought, billy)... i'm moving again, walking gently on the foot for up to an hour a day and more than that, bouncing around inside almost kinda like i used to... hey, this is my life, after all... the only thing i want to change for the moment (within my power to change) is sleeping habits cuz i slept maybe a couple of hours in the past few days, or longer, and the brain may freeze up on me at this rate... but the heart, anita, but the heart... yeah, bouncing around almost kinda sorta like i used to...

it's a wonderful mood (and bells are ringing, for me, at least :)

cha cha cha challenge

yeah, the bliss of freedom and the fear of loss of connections (few people want to be socially connected with a homeless person)... so part of me wants to move one from this modern life of struggling for money and never having enough time to enjoy what money can buy and part of me wants to be comfortably indoors for as long as i am alive... so i don't want to sleep in a box on the street or in a park or on a beach or mountain, but i am so tired of the rat race that pays for the four walls and all the incidentals (meals, clothes, and social recreational fun fun fun)... so the mood is a challenge, torn between wanting the be in a position to find friends and even the one and wanting to relax and retire and enjoy life without the crap... we don't have to ask what it the one is living in a box in a park or the beach or...

oh, just get this overwith already, will ya...

the ride

the ride after sudden unexpected change can be manic, even traumatic... to suddenly lose all income and be faced with a rush to a major life change not chosen, but thrust as a blindside betrayal... hope rises to calm and even excite as i send out resumes and get positive feedback from colleagues and highly respected contacts throughout the state (and i visualize myself enjoying respect and professional rewards working a job i want to do, earning enough to live comfortably in a nice house or apartment)... and then, the lulls, the waiting time breeds fear and loathing of the self-destructive human rat race game sinking into the depressing apathy and even panic mode of the street (and i visualize myself enjoying watching the madness of the world go by from some comfortable cushion of a sleeping bag in a park or beach)... as billy joel sang, i go to extremes...

luckily these moods are only momentary...

or maybe not so luckily...

can i please just give up now?

there are so many songs

i am hearing whippoorwills tonight... and so many songs that cry out for somebody to love, that lament the loneliness of life... so many songs that express the feeling of wanting and not getting, of hunger unfulfilled, or longing for companionship, friendship, caring, sharing, love... i am feels so very alone tonight... it does not come around too often... mostly i like my solitude... but there is this deeper part of me that keeps the song need to be in love in the list of top five all-time songs... i know i need to be in love... but honesty is such a lonely word, and that is all i really need, honesty... so far i've not found it, people lie as a habit, especially to themselves... and that is not love, so i remain alone and lonely because no one wants their lie exposed, pointed out, mirrored...

i want to find and share everything with someone who lives without delusion, without fear, without lies... someone who stays awake even when the fear puts everyone else to sleep... someone who sees even when fear closes everyone's eyes... someone who does not need delusion to answer questions that do not really need answers... someone who is their own answer looking for someone else like them, like me... we are all so the same deep down, one truth, honesty... it is so lonely to know this and not be able to share it because of the walls of fear and delusion and lies around others...

yes, honesty is such a lonely word...

funny ha ha?

so for those who might know the history of the writer, the old guy who adopted the writer's body when the writer was 14 years old (after entering the writer's life when the writer was ten or so years younger) was born on this date... too bad the old guy died late last year or he'd have been a centagenarian, centurian, centipede, whatever, however it might be spelled... too bad his sons are just like him and somehow usurped his will and left the writer with nothing, which is just what the writer expected in spite of the hope the writer knew was foolish from the start... too bad the mother died before he did so all her money went to him... the writer knew she lied when she said the writer was in her will, but that's the way that family was... they always lied cuz they couldn't deal with truth... anyway, it's the number 100 that the writer finds interesting... the writer wonders if the writer will live to 100... the writer doubts it...

the writer is not as somber as it might seem here, actually... just getting home from softball (subbed in for a friend's team) and went 2 for 2, a triple and a double, and five rbis and one run scored (left on third after the triple)... the game was called after two innings cuz we were up by 20 runs... good night, would have liked to play longer... long day at work with many complications (and still getting phone calls)... anyway, good day, better night, busy, tired, feeling good...

wonder if i will still be playing softball when i am a hundred... whatever is such a good place to be for me cuz i care more than ever there, just not needing anything... i miss needing a little, sometimes more, seldom a lot these days... alas and all, but whatever inspires my giggles... wish you were in a better place... i'll be around when you get there...

stay positive, you are stronger than you feel...

awkward night (part 2)

waiting for others to wake now
should not be sleeping in this bed
where babies come expecting to find mommy
in the middle of the night
and find a startled stranger sleeping
not again tonight

waiting to find the bathroom
waiting to warm up (hope it doesn't get much colder)
waiting for a drink of water (after i pee)
not a good night for the kidneys
not a good weekend for the kidneys

not sure who is sleeping where
don't want to wake anyone
don't want to scare the babies

brief thoughts
not sleepy anymore
slept my four hour cycle
need to pee
need to warm up
need to write so i am here
don't like being needy
nobody to talk to
nobody to share this with
nobody listening
i am
nobody.

awkward night (part 1)

awkward and uncomfortable night
sleeping in the wrong place
baby comes looking for mommy
finds me and screams
trauma for future nights?
not sleeping now...

bed is dirty
not sure what it is
chocolate cake or dried feces
or just dirt
babies and dogs slept here last
ignored it at first
not sleeping now.

cold and clothes out in the car
not sure how to get out of house
need to pee too
not sure which room is the bathroom
too dark to explore
don't want to wake the babies
don't like scaring babies.

click click click clock
very noisy clock next to my head
ignored it at first
not sleeping now.

nobody awake to talk to
nobody awake at night
nobody i know
nobody nobody no body
i am
nobody.

not sleeping tonight.

dichotomous polarity

blissful taste buds sugar rush fat bliss and loneliness still seeps through as i put aside the video game distraction and watch the odder side of tv, sci fi, being human and lost girl and sure, always the outsider with some deep dark secret super power, are we really such an egocentric species that it has to be all about being human?... add the stupidity of self-destruction and the weepy emo weakness of the glimmer of potential for goodness and any non-human species with superior senses or powers feeling like they are missing something is as delusional as the typical human... but then, these shows are made for humans by humans, after all... duh...

but i wish i could share, even if it was just a momentary illusion...

sometimes...

magic moments

the last ten minutes (about) of it's a wonderful life floors me every time no matter how many times i've seen it... there are other films that grab me, hold me, melt me, and compel me to an emotional catharsis on different levels (wide range of types, from miracle on 34th st to fifth element to hook to some even more diverse), but few can kick me out of complacent egotism or detached intellectualism as well as it's a wonderful life...

thanks all who made it, every one :)

special day

some days i just want to be special, that is, some days i just want the day to be special...

sometimes it is :)

special

i just want to be special to somebody, not just yeah you're special in passing and then days go by before another hello, but special every day, so special that when a few hours go by without contact an achy-breaky heart yearns for the sound of my voice, eye contact, and the touch of my hand... it doesn't have to be romantic falling in love, but that would be a sweet connection too... i just want to be special enough to someone so that their day just is not right unless i am a big part of it and so special that the whole world knows it... i don't ask for any more than i give, in fact, i give a whole lot more than i am asking for every time... would be weird to have it any other way...

maybe even special...

vulnerability (what goes around...)

loneliness, sadness, wanting to sleep when there is so much to do, sleeping to avoid facing the aloneness... wanting to cry for myself, feeling like nobody really loves me because nobody puts me first... and i am always left with the clean up... alone... nobody ever leaves me well taken care of or even taken care of... and this feeling may be an emo pity party exaggerated in my mind, but the evidence is everywhere... no art, no creative play, no positive spin, just alone...

as if i was not meant to avoid some things (like {wide-eyed wonder} the personal journals and diaries i found left sitting right next to me?... wow, is that an accident or is that trust and conscious or not, actually intentional deliberate hope for continued connection and a real life safety net?)... fool, there is always hope... or at least there is always the positive spin lol lam laa)... sigh :}

i can only hope i did good and this time... something comes around...

out of place euphoria

moods come and go so quickly sometimes that one or another can seem so out of place amidst the events and circumstances of the day (or night) as a day full of good fortune can see a few tears and a day full of misery can see a glimpse of euphoria, but when pure bliss is the base emotion upon which all others are draw, it is the most frequently out of place of all (and so therein least mentioned, aye?)...

bliss :)

not so much

while loneliness grows deeper and louder of late, my ambivalence with trusting another person remains as strong as ever as i realize that i do not need to trust in order to give it all away... disappointment still comes even though i expect people to take and not share and leave me when they have taken all they quietly could because hopes springs eternal, or something like that...

will no one stay awake with me?

promises

yeah, with another song playing on repeat because of the magical connection i saw in the singer's eyes and smile the first time we met in the rain on warped tour and that one look was enough to fall in love with her and her voice and music and now new words leading me back to the first time in the program office the love at first site swallowed all reason and cause to leave me living on hope in the bliss of lust and uninhibited trust and blind faith in unconditional love if only she did too...

bipolar

definitely euphoric depression, or is it the euphoric that is depressing because it is not shared... surely it isn't that the depression is euphoric... rhetoric, perhaps, but there are so many ways to view everything, how can a point be a line without another point to connect to...

sigh, when all that's left to do is alas, smile and enjoy the flow :)

neglected, unappreciation, ignored, or unnoticed

one of those words express the feeling of the momentary mood that flows at this moment and my mind wanders through the bullsugar finding questions like is this collection of videos genius or nonsense or meaningless disconjointed random pop news or some profound message from within me or without me or what about this collection of videos raising similar, though different questions... and then there's all the other stuff (volumous humungous, even)...

do i deserve more attention?...

hot and cold

and not just the weather, but this is the coldest winter since i've been down ehre in florida (most of the last twenty years, actually) and that could be one reason my moods have been fluctuating more than usual but more than weather, it's the unchanging monotony of life, work and play, and not putting the body in extreme physical fun (exercise) which makes for a dull physical experience which is boring no matter how much fun my head is having (and it is having much fun, much fun between the ears)...

ambivalence in the body, nagging the mind a bit, like what a drag it is getting on, but euphoria more than ever in the mind, the ethereal bliss of being... and that's the mood at this moment, how about yours? :)

top of the world

the softball world, at least... we won the first game of the season, lost the next one, won the third game, lost the fourth... then, today, we eight weeks later, we won our tenth game in a row and the last one was the championship game... we are the champions, my friends... went out celebrating, championship dinner, got trophies, t-shirts, awards, the league voted our team the spirit award and the team voted me mvp... ego flies, heart smiles, and and and...

it feels pretty amazing...