manickakakaka

you ought to know by now (thank's for the thought, billy)... i'm moving again, walking gently on the foot for up to an hour a day and more than that, bouncing around inside almost kinda like i used to... hey, this is my life, after all... the only thing i want to change for the moment (within my power to change) is sleeping habits cuz i slept maybe a couple of hours in the past few days, or longer, and the brain may freeze up on me at this rate... but the heart, anita, but the heart... yeah, bouncing around almost kinda sorta like i used to...

it's a wonderful mood (and bells are ringing, for me, at least :)

up down turn around

no, don't turn around, there's nothing to see back there, best left behind... one moment i am full of hope and optimism and gleefully enjoying being as i usually do and the next moment i am feeling like it's time to give up on the madness that is life in this modern world... really stessful amd challenging... =========...

what was that about softball?

i recall wondering if i will be playing softball when i am 100 years old some time ago and that was a few days before i stopped playing softball and have not played since cuz of an injury that has kept me on crutches for seven weeks and will continue to keep me on crutches a few more weeks and the momentary moods have fluctuated from highs to lows even more than usual, especially the lows... it's easy to get depressed and feel like nobody really cares and think about what the old age years will be like when all there is to do is sit around tapping keys, playing solo games, listening to music, watching tv, physically vegetating and waiting for somebody to notice i disappeared from the social activities i was sharing for years...

poof, i was gone...

not having a partner in life is more challenging than ever these days, but at least i have a roommate who, while moody at times, has a wonderful heart and has mostly daily (when she's around and in town) done a lot to help me survive... she probably looks for things to do to stay away from home, especially on weekends, cuz she has no real privacy outside of her room cuz i am stuck sitting here in the recliner with my foot up almost all the time... driving myself batty, so probably on her nerves too... but this would have been a whole lot more challenging without her...

i still fall into feeling poor-me (and poor in many ways as i cover almost all of the bills for the living space and it is a not wise fiscal choice that i was going to remedy when the least was up this year but before then, she returned and my move to a one bedroom lower rent didn't happen and she's been catching up on bills this year so i am getting poorer and poorer covering bills and still trying to live {spend} the way i want to live {foods, shows, softball, not that extravagant, but splurging beyond my means and ignoring that most of the time} and watching any hope of retiring before death dissolve into a miserable you can forget that idea buddy)...

and then there's the lack of exercise and bloating up cuz it's bad enough i have no physical life outside of dragging myself to an unappreciative office to do job i love to do (balance at work, sorta) without having to cut out foods and eat a 1200 calorie diet cuz i only burn 1000-1200 calories a day, if that much... so when i notice, body depression rolls up like a big fat dark cloud...

and this is beside the other stuff, loneliness, lack of romance or love or sex, cluttered apartment that needs cleaning really badly, dog always begging for more attention and activity than i can give, inability to shower or do anything physically as i'd like to, being totally dependent on a roommate, and feeling like a burden and in the way too much (among other stuff but hell, isn't this enough for one momentary mood?... sheeesh)...

bummer feeling, really... lucky it's only momentary...

narf...

choose your curse

that is, the title of this entry is any words you might choose to convey a very unwelcome unfortunate fucked-up situation and feeling... i may be stuck in a foot-boot on crutches for months or longer which absolutely sucks, so the mood is pissy bitchy wishy and generally bad... did i mention extremely constantly painful?... i may be avoiding thinking about my moods for a while...

just sayin...

funny ha ha?

so for those who might know the history of the writer, the old guy who adopted the writer's body when the writer was 14 years old (after entering the writer's life when the writer was ten or so years younger) was born on this date... too bad the old guy died late last year or he'd have been a centagenarian, centurian, centipede, whatever, however it might be spelled... too bad his sons are just like him and somehow usurped his will and left the writer with nothing, which is just what the writer expected in spite of the hope the writer knew was foolish from the start... too bad the mother died before he did so all her money went to him... the writer knew she lied when she said the writer was in her will, but that's the way that family was... they always lied cuz they couldn't deal with truth... anyway, it's the number 100 that the writer finds interesting... the writer wonders if the writer will live to 100... the writer doubts it...

the writer is not as somber as it might seem here, actually... just getting home from softball (subbed in for a friend's team) and went 2 for 2, a triple and a double, and five rbis and one run scored (left on third after the triple)... the game was called after two innings cuz we were up by 20 runs... good night, would have liked to play longer... long day at work with many complications (and still getting phone calls)... anyway, good day, better night, busy, tired, feeling good...

wonder if i will still be playing softball when i am a hundred... whatever is such a good place to be for me cuz i care more than ever there, just not needing anything... i miss needing a little, sometimes more, seldom a lot these days... alas and all, but whatever inspires my giggles... wish you were in a better place... i'll be around when you get there...

stay positive, you are stronger than you feel...

awkward night (part 2)

waiting for others to wake now
should not be sleeping in this bed
where babies come expecting to find mommy
in the middle of the night
and find a startled stranger sleeping
not again tonight

waiting to find the bathroom
waiting to warm up (hope it doesn't get much colder)
waiting for a drink of water (after i pee)
not a good night for the kidneys
not a good weekend for the kidneys

not sure who is sleeping where
don't want to wake anyone
don't want to scare the babies

brief thoughts
not sleepy anymore
slept my four hour cycle
need to pee
need to warm up
need to write so i am here
don't like being needy
nobody to talk to
nobody to share this with
nobody listening
i am
nobody.

awkward night (part 1)

awkward and uncomfortable night
sleeping in the wrong place
baby comes looking for mommy
finds me and screams
trauma for future nights?
not sleeping now...

bed is dirty
not sure what it is
chocolate cake or dried feces
or just dirt
babies and dogs slept here last
ignored it at first
not sleeping now.

cold and clothes out in the car
not sure how to get out of house
need to pee too
not sure which room is the bathroom
too dark to explore
don't want to wake the babies
don't like scaring babies.

click click click clock
very noisy clock next to my head
ignored it at first
not sleeping now.

nobody awake to talk to
nobody awake at night
nobody i know
nobody nobody no body
i am
nobody.

not sleeping tonight.

special

i just want to be special to somebody, not just yeah you're special in passing and then days go by before another hello, but special every day, so special that when a few hours go by without contact an achy-breaky heart yearns for the sound of my voice, eye contact, and the touch of my hand... it doesn't have to be romantic falling in love, but that would be a sweet connection too... i just want to be special enough to someone so that their day just is not right unless i am a big part of it and so special that the whole world knows it... i don't ask for any more than i give, in fact, i give a whole lot more than i am asking for every time... would be weird to have it any other way...

maybe even special...

vulnerability (what goes around...)

loneliness, sadness, wanting to sleep when there is so much to do, sleeping to avoid facing the aloneness... wanting to cry for myself, feeling like nobody really loves me because nobody puts me first... and i am always left with the clean up... alone... nobody ever leaves me well taken care of or even taken care of... and this feeling may be an emo pity party exaggerated in my mind, but the evidence is everywhere... no art, no creative play, no positive spin, just alone...

as if i was not meant to avoid some things (like {wide-eyed wonder} the personal journals and diaries i found left sitting right next to me?... wow, is that an accident or is that trust and conscious or not, actually intentional deliberate hope for continued connection and a real life safety net?)... fool, there is always hope... or at least there is always the positive spin lol lam laa)... sigh :}

i can only hope i did good and this time... something comes around...

not so much

while loneliness grows deeper and louder of late, my ambivalence with trusting another person remains as strong as ever as i realize that i do not need to trust in order to give it all away... disappointment still comes even though i expect people to take and not share and leave me when they have taken all they quietly could because hopes springs eternal, or something like that...

will no one stay awake with me?

bipolar

definitely euphoric depression, or is it the euphoric that is depressing because it is not shared... surely it isn't that the depression is euphoric... rhetoric, perhaps, but there are so many ways to view everything, how can a point be a line without another point to connect to...

sigh, when all that's left to do is alas, smile and enjoy the flow :)

sometimes so lonely

like the whipporwill song, even deeper, the can't live song, deeper still, an infinite abyss no words could express in any language ever... this is not a mood i want to experience much more than a moment...

neglected, unappreciation, ignored, or unnoticed

one of those words express the feeling of the momentary mood that flows at this moment and my mind wanders through the bullsugar finding questions like is this collection of videos genius or nonsense or meaningless disconjointed random pop news or some profound message from within me or without me or what about this collection of videos raising similar, though different questions... and then there's all the other stuff (volumous humungous, even)...

do i deserve more attention?...

hot and cold

and not just the weather, but this is the coldest winter since i've been down ehre in florida (most of the last twenty years, actually) and that could be one reason my moods have been fluctuating more than usual but more than weather, it's the unchanging monotony of life, work and play, and not putting the body in extreme physical fun (exercise) which makes for a dull physical experience which is boring no matter how much fun my head is having (and it is having much fun, much fun between the ears)...

ambivalence in the body, nagging the mind a bit, like what a drag it is getting on, but euphoria more than ever in the mind, the ethereal bliss of being... and that's the mood at this moment, how about yours? :)

and sometimes

i feel every pain that has ever been felt, at least emotionally, as i find a level of empathy that words cannot describe, but would spiral any normal person into an abyss of depression, probably concluding with suicide... i feel it, but i'm too stubborn to give up... the depths... i know those well...

should i feel abandoned?

of course, for the cycle repeats again and again, the words, the contact, the occasional friends suddenly return with words of love and even worship and then, just as suddenly disappear and demonstrate my true lack of importance in their lives... and those who said the most wonderful words run the cycle to the extremes and those who supposedly loved the most and deepest dropped out of contact for the longest... because it wasn't real?... because i am not perfect?... because i did something unforgivable?... regardless, they stopped communicating, broke contact, and i am left alone...

abandoned?...

bipolar

is usually defined as (or by) cycles of depression and elation or mania that often affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause serious problems and embarrassment or grave problems... and statistics say 2.6 percent of the population aged 18 and older, have bipolar disorder... so maybe i ought to wonder, being that i have made some impulsive decisions that have undermined or even destroyed my fondest dreams and lead to rather horrible experiences at times and left me alone when being in a partnership is one of my fondest dreams, if i am not bipolar since i experience hyper highs that bounce me off the walls for days on end and dark deep depressions that have, at times, left me curled up in closets for days on end...

or i could just be a drama queen...

thing is, most of the time, i experience the seemingly perfect peace, joy, and happiness of super hyper giddy euphoric and the debilitating almost suicidal depression simultaneously... the depths of sadness i feel about being alone in this world amidst the seriously suicidal human species and the near perfect euphoria i feel just being alive is the constant state of being in my mind...

at least for the moment...

lonely

while most of the time i am too busy these days to feel much of anything other than the excitement of living in the moment and enjoying myself and the challenges i work through at work and on the softball field and in games, there are moments when i want more than just the pleasure of being me and enjoying the moment... in these moments, usually brought on by being all caught up on comment responding and feeling like there's no one in this life who really cares enough to be here and share life with me every day, a moment when when time stands still for a moment, i feel lonely...

this is one of those moments...

choice

we all know how to give and take, though from my experience in this world, most people take a whole lot more than they give... it can be quite lonely being a giver (with due respect to lowry {wiki} and others, orwell, beckett, not withstanding)... acting as though we do not have a choice does not mean we do not have a choice...

after the party is over

after the holidays and celebrations and so one, the games are over and the smiling happy faces all go home... and loneliness is all that is left... i wish someone would stay, but i do not want someone to stay who does not get me... it's been many years since someone got me... the lonely mood is deep tonight...