happy sadness

memories of loss, remembering the dream and now, all these years later, the wish for closure that may never come... the sadness of remembering loss of the magic moments (with her lips so close to mine, not like any other)... the first unbelievable dream come true moments of falling in love with the one so wanted, heaven and earth could not stand in the way... the first infinite passion, the first eternal promise, the first love and unconditional trust... and now, this moment, the joy of knowing the experience, however long ago, however lost the dream, however broken the heart, however gone, knowing it was, remembering, feeling it once - there is the joy... to know the truth in the phrase it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...

old and new

a hundred years ago, might as well be a thousand, but probably was more like forty (omg, are we that old?) there was so much hope and so much love and so much purity and so much amazing and yet, so much tearing apart of hearts as i loved three people much i would have spent my life with either one, but i was only in love with one of them... the other two were so devoted to me, the one i was in love with asked me, pleaded with me to not tell them, to keep our love a secret... oh what tangled webs we weave... but it was so purely genuinely magic... i wish i could go back and not lose it all... i wish i could go back and find a way to keep the one i fell in love with... but time does not work like that... life does not work like that... so what's new?...

semi-dichotomous

torn between ecstatic and annoyed, torn between celebratory and mourning, torn between relief and reluctant acceptance, torn between loving a new adventure and hating the loss of freedom, torn between joy and sorrow... tomorrow i start a new job after mostly enjoying more than a year of relaxing vacation and while the wallet cheers, the party girl mourns... it's the hard knocks life, alas, but the challenge of the new responsibilities are precisely what the doctor ordered and fit my skill set and desire to help others so well, it's a change i should not think of passing up even if i was so independently wealthy i would not need to work another day in this life... the change shall be dramatic, no doubt... at least for the moment...

kinda sorta apathetic

which is frustrating, especially since i am kinda sorta apathetic and procrastinating about doing anything about it... nobody cares, why should i, right?... well, that is the reasoning in some part of the brain and that reasoning (nobody cares, why should i?) seems to be driving the bus when nobody is around (and that is most of the time)... i become everybody else's cheerleader and motivator and coach and therapist and helper and so on so much easier than i do it for myself... even with all the writing... sheesh, frustrating... maybe i'll start caring about myself more tomorrow...

narf :P

every day

every day there is a mood, sometimes all i do is brood, sometimes laughter, sometimes tears, some days even last for years...

every day expect the same cuz every day is rather strange, the the only thing that stays the same is the effect of constant change...

frustration can be angry

when frustration builds without release or remedy, the source of the frustration can invoke angry emotions... but is the anger truly at the external source of the frustration, or is it the inability or choice to not find release or remedy that produces the anger... for me, i believe, it is the latter and though i can fool myself (and most everyone else) into believing i am angry with them, it is truly myself with whom i am angry... for it is my failure to find release or remedy for my frustration that creates the anger...

i am better when i remember this than when i forget...

false feelings

like false flags, false feelings are generated when you think you are supposed to feel a certain way and you actually do not... often it is to conform to a group expression of a certain feeling, like group judgment, group sadness, or group happiness... people seem to want, even need a sense of community, of reassurance that what one feels is ok and right... this external reassurance somehow validates a social contract of normalcy and acceptance, even sanity... the feeling of belonging to the group overrides any sense of self or truth, as self is absorbed into the group thinking and truth becomes the majority thought... if we are lucky, the group finds truth and even at a loss of individual awareness, the natural universe remains in balance... sometimes, though, the group is very wrong and all we can hope for, before communal self-destruction, is that a few open minds remain apart from the group to save us...

it can feel very lonely apart from the group, even though the group is an illusion...

memories make moods

there was a madness of love, a passion with obsession, a frail futile wanting that overcame any reason and left the poor fool destitute and wandering aimlessly unable or unwilling to care for himself... one left the plane of safety and was locked away in a place what was supposed to help him return to safety and some sort of responsibility that would pass for sanity... another wandered on the fringes of safety always saving himself from exposure to lethal dangers at just the right moments so no one would have the right to justify taking his freedom for his own good...

i wonder which one is better off now...

i think you once understood

when i remember, i wonder why i forget... and then i remember why i forget and wonder if i regret... if no one understands i may for i want to be understood and yet i wish there was more honesty in the world for it is the lack of honesty that keeps us from truth and understanding... so we attempt self-expression, we speak, we write, we paint, we sing, we move, we send, we create all sorts of things... i chose to speak with words, you chose to speak with your hands... yet somehow, somewhere, in some timeless exchange, i think you once understood...

i miss that thought, understanding, and you...

moods like the wind

when i was small and everything was tall, i used to wonder why everyone lied... the fear i saw in everyone around was just the start of living life denied... delusions came to demand ignorance and blind faith replaced reasonable thought... and now alone i still ask the unknown why i never believed what i was taught... i just could not afford what others bought...

birthday moods

when someone has a birthday do i wonder about mine?... most of the time i do not remember to think about birthdays or any sort of scheduled celebrations because years of phony well-wishes and plastic smiles long since turned me off to planned social celebrations... i see the lies that humans live way too easily for anyone's comfort and i do not like pretense and i do not want to bring anyone down, so i stay away... it is a lonely mood, quite often, as i seek the honest love that everyone is afraid to actualize and share... but some still do care, even if it is shown only superficially at scheduled intervals...

happy birthday everybody :}

if i came here every day

would there be more laughter or tears, i wonder, if i came here every day... you read from your perspective and will see what you will see, but that is influenced by your own reflection... the speculation only shows curiosity as extrapolation from the few momentary moods recorded here would be futile and spurious speculation, but that does not keep curiosity from wondering...

the mood today is curious... not so much analytical, just curious...

and this may be the dominant mood after all :)

sometimes frustration

so much can go wrong in the world around me, sometimes frustration feels overwhelming... i give and give and give and it's not enough... i drain my resources, my finances, my energy... and still it's not enough... and when i have no more to give i am left alone... what choice does anyone have, they must go somewhere else to take what they need... have i ever met anyone who could balance the giving?... probably, but not to my recollection... i suppose i do not let those who can balance the sharing near enough... i suppose it is i who choose to only allow those who will drain me to as near death as a living being can get... and sometimes frustration is all i can fell about that...

and then there's glee

so much glee... inside of me... there's so much glee... so much glee inside of me... over and over as good as can be... so much glee inside of me... and this is where i feel the most like me... this is how i know all i can be... this is my most comfortable most right, secure, and free... this is how i know that i am me... feel the glee... feel the glee inside of me...

narfalee :)

so lonely

at the moment, i feel so lonely
like i am the only one who's ever lived
like no one knows and no one cares
and no one else was ever here
this moment is so lonely
so lonely
so lonely

at the moment, i feel so alone
no like, nothing to compare
if i cold change this moment
i would definitely own it
but i can't even phone it
in tonight
this moment is so lonely
so lonely
so lonely
and it feels so not right
this moment is so lonely
i hope it does not last
all night

keep in touch

if you care, you keep in touch
any infant knows this much
a baby cries when it is ignored
a baby cries when it is not adored

if you care, you show you care
any infant is this aware
a baby cries when left behind
a baby cries when people are unkind

you can pretend you are too busy
you can pretend that you don't know
you can pretend anything you want
but how you feel will always show

how you feel will always show
in what you do
if you care, everyone will know
it is you
how you feel will always show
in what you do
you can't hide what is true

how you feel will always show
in what you do