keep in touch

if you care, you keep in touch
any infant knows this much
a baby cries when it is ignored
a baby cries when it is not adored

if you care, you show you care
any infant is this aware
a baby cries when left behind
a baby cries when people are unkind

you can pretend you are too busy
you can pretend that you don't know
you can pretend anything you want
but how you feel will always show

how you feel will always show
in what you do
if you care, everyone will know
it is you
how you feel will always show
in what you do
you can't hide what is true

how you feel will always show
in what you do

don't tell anybody, but

i'm freaking out a bit... maybe even a lot... no income is scary... i mean, no joke... freaking out... but that is definitely not gonna look good on a resume or at job interview, so don't tell anybody, k?... thanks.

the ride

the ride after sudden unexpected change can be manic, even traumatic... to suddenly lose all income and be faced with a rush to a major life change not chosen, but thrust as a blindside betrayal... hope rises to calm and even excite as i send out resumes and get positive feedback from colleagues and highly respected contacts throughout the state (and i visualize myself enjoying respect and professional rewards working a job i want to do, earning enough to live comfortably in a nice house or apartment)... and then, the lulls, the waiting time breeds fear and loathing of the self-destructive human rat race game sinking into the depressing apathy and even panic mode of the street (and i visualize myself enjoying watching the madness of the world go by from some comfortable cushion of a sleeping bag in a park or beach)... as billy joel sang, i go to extremes...

luckily these moods are only momentary...

or maybe not so luckily...

can i please just give up now?

what was that about softball?

i recall wondering if i will be playing softball when i am 100 years old some time ago and that was a few days before i stopped playing softball and have not played since cuz of an injury that has kept me on crutches for seven weeks and will continue to keep me on crutches a few more weeks and the momentary moods have fluctuated from highs to lows even more than usual, especially the lows... it's easy to get depressed and feel like nobody really cares and think about what the old age years will be like when all there is to do is sit around tapping keys, playing solo games, listening to music, watching tv, physically vegetating and waiting for somebody to notice i disappeared from the social activities i was sharing for years...

poof, i was gone...

not having a partner in life is more challenging than ever these days, but at least i have a roommate who, while moody at times, has a wonderful heart and has mostly daily (when she's around and in town) done a lot to help me survive... she probably looks for things to do to stay away from home, especially on weekends, cuz she has no real privacy outside of her room cuz i am stuck sitting here in the recliner with my foot up almost all the time... driving myself batty, so probably on her nerves too... but this would have been a whole lot more challenging without her...

i still fall into feeling poor-me (and poor in many ways as i cover almost all of the bills for the living space and it is a not wise fiscal choice that i was going to remedy when the least was up this year but before then, she returned and my move to a one bedroom lower rent didn't happen and she's been catching up on bills this year so i am getting poorer and poorer covering bills and still trying to live {spend} the way i want to live {foods, shows, softball, not that extravagant, but splurging beyond my means and ignoring that most of the time} and watching any hope of retiring before death dissolve into a miserable you can forget that idea buddy)...

and then there's the lack of exercise and bloating up cuz it's bad enough i have no physical life outside of dragging myself to an unappreciative office to do job i love to do (balance at work, sorta) without having to cut out foods and eat a 1200 calorie diet cuz i only burn 1000-1200 calories a day, if that much... so when i notice, body depression rolls up like a big fat dark cloud...

and this is beside the other stuff, loneliness, lack of romance or love or sex, cluttered apartment that needs cleaning really badly, dog always begging for more attention and activity than i can give, inability to shower or do anything physically as i'd like to, being totally dependent on a roommate, and feeling like a burden and in the way too much (among other stuff but hell, isn't this enough for one momentary mood?... sheeesh)...

bummer feeling, really... lucky it's only momentary...

narf...

there are so many songs

i am hearing whippoorwills tonight... and so many songs that cry out for somebody to love, that lament the loneliness of life... so many songs that express the feeling of wanting and not getting, of hunger unfulfilled, or longing for companionship, friendship, caring, sharing, love... i am feels so very alone tonight... it does not come around too often... mostly i like my solitude... but there is this deeper part of me that keeps the song need to be in love in the list of top five all-time songs... i know i need to be in love... but honesty is such a lonely word, and that is all i really need, honesty... so far i've not found it, people lie as a habit, especially to themselves... and that is not love, so i remain alone and lonely because no one wants their lie exposed, pointed out, mirrored...

i want to find and share everything with someone who lives without delusion, without fear, without lies... someone who stays awake even when the fear puts everyone else to sleep... someone who sees even when fear closes everyone's eyes... someone who does not need delusion to answer questions that do not really need answers... someone who is their own answer looking for someone else like them, like me... we are all so the same deep down, one truth, honesty... it is so lonely to know this and not be able to share it because of the walls of fear and delusion and lies around others...

yes, honesty is such a lonely word...

funny ha ha?

so for those who might know the history of the writer, the old guy who adopted the writer's body when the writer was 14 years old (after entering the writer's life when the writer was ten or so years younger) was born on this date... too bad the old guy died late last year or he'd have been a centagenarian, centurian, centipede, whatever, however it might be spelled... too bad his sons are just like him and somehow usurped his will and left the writer with nothing, which is just what the writer expected in spite of the hope the writer knew was foolish from the start... too bad the mother died before he did so all her money went to him... the writer knew she lied when she said the writer was in her will, but that's the way that family was... they always lied cuz they couldn't deal with truth... anyway, it's the number 100 that the writer finds interesting... the writer wonders if the writer will live to 100... the writer doubts it...

the writer is not as somber as it might seem here, actually... just getting home from softball (subbed in for a friend's team) and went 2 for 2, a triple and a double, and five rbis and one run scored (left on third after the triple)... the game was called after two innings cuz we were up by 20 runs... good night, would have liked to play longer... long day at work with many complications (and still getting phone calls)... anyway, good day, better night, busy, tired, feeling good...

wonder if i will still be playing softball when i am a hundred... whatever is such a good place to be for me cuz i care more than ever there, just not needing anything... i miss needing a little, sometimes more, seldom a lot these days... alas and all, but whatever inspires my giggles... wish you were in a better place... i'll be around when you get there...

stay positive, you are stronger than you feel...

awkward night (part 2)

waiting for others to wake now
should not be sleeping in this bed
where babies come expecting to find mommy
in the middle of the night
and find a startled stranger sleeping
not again tonight

waiting to find the bathroom
waiting to warm up (hope it doesn't get much colder)
waiting for a drink of water (after i pee)
not a good night for the kidneys
not a good weekend for the kidneys

not sure who is sleeping where
don't want to wake anyone
don't want to scare the babies

brief thoughts
not sleepy anymore
slept my four hour cycle
need to pee
need to warm up
need to write so i am here
don't like being needy
nobody to talk to
nobody to share this with
nobody listening
i am
nobody.

special day

some days i just want to be special, that is, some days i just want the day to be special...

sometimes it is :)

not so much

while loneliness grows deeper and louder of late, my ambivalence with trusting another person remains as strong as ever as i realize that i do not need to trust in order to give it all away... disappointment still comes even though i expect people to take and not share and leave me when they have taken all they quietly could because hopes springs eternal, or something like that...

will no one stay awake with me?

freaking memory

yeah, last week i got blasted from the past and this week another and the photos are chilling and inspiring and so very sad because so many i've loved are still out there and i can see their photos on the new social netowrking sites and yet, no contact, no interaction, no continuance and yet, always in memory, freaking memory, even when i am not in the mood to remember...

so many emotions collide at this point, but still, i would rather remember than forget cuz i know it is better to have loved...

you?

bipolar

definitely euphoric depression, or is it the euphoric that is depressing because it is not shared... surely it isn't that the depression is euphoric... rhetoric, perhaps, but there are so many ways to view everything, how can a point be a line without another point to connect to...

sigh, when all that's left to do is alas, smile and enjoy the flow :)

fondly frustrated

frustrated by a body that is not just imperfect, but not cared for as optimally as possible so therein hurts more than it should but more, is unable to do all it can due to spinal alignment out of synch and a life too busy to rest properly due to massive workloads and a loneliness due to lack of intimacy and all in all, i fondly recall the wonder of caring...

or something like that...

hot and cold

and not just the weather, but this is the coldest winter since i've been down ehre in florida (most of the last twenty years, actually) and that could be one reason my moods have been fluctuating more than usual but more than weather, it's the unchanging monotony of life, work and play, and not putting the body in extreme physical fun (exercise) which makes for a dull physical experience which is boring no matter how much fun my head is having (and it is having much fun, much fun between the ears)...

ambivalence in the body, nagging the mind a bit, like what a drag it is getting on, but euphoria more than ever in the mind, the ethereal bliss of being... and that's the mood at this moment, how about yours? :)

i feel sad

that people disappear from life for years, for even if they really did once care and even if they still think they do, caring is a verb and it is either done or not done... caring only in the mind is like dreaming only when you sleep, secrets you keep to yourself... everybody seems to do that... and i keep wanting to believe someone will keep in touch just because they care and not just because they need something from me... perhaps it is just my experience, but it is my experience and when i look at people and see they are not there, i feel sad...

can you imagine?

what if nobody really wanted to be loved as much as i can love, to infinity and beyond, actually unconditional and more, without limits, restrictions, or inhibitions - the ultimate free love that overcomes all fear to share everything completely openly and above all else, honestly...

if nobody really wanted to, how could i share my love...

i do not want to think about the answer...

can you imagine?

should i feel abandoned?

of course, for the cycle repeats again and again, the words, the contact, the occasional friends suddenly return with words of love and even worship and then, just as suddenly disappear and demonstrate my true lack of importance in their lives... and those who said the most wonderful words run the cycle to the extremes and those who supposedly loved the most and deepest dropped out of contact for the longest... because it wasn't real?... because i am not perfect?... because i did something unforgivable?... regardless, they stopped communicating, broke contact, and i am left alone...

abandoned?...

people can be so disappointing

just when you really want to believe them, they lie... just when you really want to believe in them, they betray... just when you really want to believe they care, they show they don't... and just when you really believe they will be there, they disappear...

maybe they'll evolve one day to actually live up to their holy words, but until then, their lives prove just how much those words are lies...

god bless.

laundry

did i ever mention how painful doing laundry can be?...

lonely

while most of the time i am too busy these days to feel much of anything other than the excitement of living in the moment and enjoying myself and the challenges i work through at work and on the softball field and in games, there are moments when i want more than just the pleasure of being me and enjoying the moment... in these moments, usually brought on by being all caught up on comment responding and feeling like there's no one in this life who really cares enough to be here and share life with me every day, a moment when when time stands still for a moment, i feel lonely...

this is one of those moments...

choice

we all know how to give and take, though from my experience in this world, most people take a whole lot more than they give... it can be quite lonely being a giver (with due respect to lowry {wiki} and others, orwell, beckett, not withstanding)... acting as though we do not have a choice does not mean we do not have a choice...