torn between

or torn within... or both... in any case, there are moments i just want to curl up and be depressed about the human condition, the lack of trustworthiness and abundance of selfishness and the hypocrisy and suicidal ways of the human race.. there are times i want to cry in a selfish self-pity party... and there are times i want to enjoy the jubilation i find in just being me... and times i want to feel sad because nobody seems to enjoy a similar jubilation within themselves (at least not independently)... there are times i just want to give in and fit in and buy into whatever others seem to believe that gives them some appearance of belonging... but the delusional basis of the whole experience is too obvious to me... all i really want is to enjoy life without a lie, without a cruch, without pretending we need something beyond what is and what we are to enjoy being...

anybody?

should i feel abandoned?

of course, for the cycle repeats again and again, the words, the contact, the occasional friends suddenly return with words of love and even worship and then, just as suddenly disappear and demonstrate my true lack of importance in their lives... and those who said the most wonderful words run the cycle to the extremes and those who supposedly loved the most and deepest dropped out of contact for the longest... because it wasn't real?... because i am not perfect?... because i did something unforgivable?... regardless, they stopped communicating, broke contact, and i am left alone...

abandoned?...

euphoria

what a feeling just remembering cell memory as i drop the excess once again down to the original revelation left behind so very long ago... bear with us, we might get back to where we once belonged just yet, aye? :)

people can be so disappointing

just when you really want to believe them, they lie... just when you really want to believe in them, they betray... just when you really want to believe they care, they show they don't... and just when you really believe they will be there, they disappear...

maybe they'll evolve one day to actually live up to their holy words, but until then, their lives prove just how much those words are lies...

god bless.