funny ha ha?

so for those who might know the history of the writer, the old guy who adopted the writer's body when the writer was 14 years old (after entering the writer's life when the writer was ten or so years younger) was born on this date... too bad the old guy died late last year or he'd have been a centagenarian, centurian, centipede, whatever, however it might be spelled... too bad his sons are just like him and somehow usurped his will and left the writer with nothing, which is just what the writer expected in spite of the hope the writer knew was foolish from the start... too bad the mother died before he did so all her money went to him... the writer knew she lied when she said the writer was in her will, but that's the way that family was... they always lied cuz they couldn't deal with truth... anyway, it's the number 100 that the writer finds interesting... the writer wonders if the writer will live to 100... the writer doubts it...

the writer is not as somber as it might seem here, actually... just getting home from softball (subbed in for a friend's team) and went 2 for 2, a triple and a double, and five rbis and one run scored (left on third after the triple)... the game was called after two innings cuz we were up by 20 runs... good night, would have liked to play longer... long day at work with many complications (and still getting phone calls)... anyway, good day, better night, busy, tired, feeling good...

wonder if i will still be playing softball when i am a hundred... whatever is such a good place to be for me cuz i care more than ever there, just not needing anything... i miss needing a little, sometimes more, seldom a lot these days... alas and all, but whatever inspires my giggles... wish you were in a better place... i'll be around when you get there...

stay positive, you are stronger than you feel...

this week i was

happy sad mad frustrated blissful tired silly weird generous disciplined calm excited busy overworked underpaid sleepless nowhere wait, (ing) are these moods?

special day

some days i just want to be special, that is, some days i just want the day to be special...

sometimes it is :)

i wasn't feeling this way

last month, or whenever this was, i was full of hope and prosper, as if prosper was something to be full of, and the bliss i know as me was shinging brightly in my eyes (even if i'm the only one who saw me)... or was it this month that i feel this way?... time travels in weird circles :)

bipolar

definitely euphoric depression, or is it the euphoric that is depressing because it is not shared... surely it isn't that the depression is euphoric... rhetoric, perhaps, but there are so many ways to view everything, how can a point be a line without another point to connect to...

sigh, when all that's left to do is alas, smile and enjoy the flow :)

future times

and what's wrong with a future where people are no longer hung up on fears of nudity or sexuality or egocentric power struggles and finally actualize the honest love and caring and pleasure we can share in this physical life?

if you have an answer, you belong in the past...

as if we could

at this moment i feel as if we could overcome anything and share perfect peace and harmony, however briefly, every single day simply by smiling at each other (even from a distance, sending a smile, hello, few words that take thirty seconds to type and send)... it is possible...

yes, at this moment i feel as if we could...

euphoria

what a feeling just remembering cell memory as i drop the excess once again down to the original revelation left behind so very long ago... bear with us, we might get back to where we once belonged just yet, aye? :)

bipolar

is usually defined as (or by) cycles of depression and elation or mania that often affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause serious problems and embarrassment or grave problems... and statistics say 2.6 percent of the population aged 18 and older, have bipolar disorder... so maybe i ought to wonder, being that i have made some impulsive decisions that have undermined or even destroyed my fondest dreams and lead to rather horrible experiences at times and left me alone when being in a partnership is one of my fondest dreams, if i am not bipolar since i experience hyper highs that bounce me off the walls for days on end and dark deep depressions that have, at times, left me curled up in closets for days on end...

or i could just be a drama queen...

thing is, most of the time, i experience the seemingly perfect peace, joy, and happiness of super hyper giddy euphoric and the debilitating almost suicidal depression simultaneously... the depths of sadness i feel about being alone in this world amidst the seriously suicidal human species and the near perfect euphoria i feel just being alive is the constant state of being in my mind...

at least for the moment...

sugar buzz

yeah, so i should be sleeping (as i used to say in the title of my first online daily babblings) and i really should not eat after midnight or even after dark cuz age has slowed the already slow metabolism (probably why the body seems to stay young, it's not burning itself out on it's own... if only i'd stop doing it for it, aye) but instead here i am buzzing on sugar cuz i just ate two cans of pineapples in juice and syrup (i added the syrup myself cuz i prefer pineapple in 100% juice when buying canned pineapple, i mean, in case you wanted to know cuz you were considered what kind of canned fruit to buy me... of course fresh pineapple is even more delicious, but all that cutting can be dangerous after midnight when i am tired or even buzzed after eating a lot of pineapple in 100% juice spiked with syrup)... the buzz feels almost as wonderful as it would feel if i was sharing intimacy with a libido fantasy... almost, i said almost... soon, i will crash and sleep, not long enough, but at least some sleep is better than none in the long run... but for now, oh, the sweet buzz is fun :)

fukitol

oh yeah, by the time i get to woodstock, even, (aka: when the memory blows the mind... ), we all (unless you are the most unlucky soul in the universe) experience deja vu some or... sometimes, even, and even when it feels odder than a rectal thermometer in the ear (or mouth, for that matter, for those who can remember), the shoe drops on the other foot only now and then, once in a while, and then again, when we want it to enough...

and if you do not understand, you pretend ignorance or incompetence to shirk responsibility, or you are just genuinely slower than the average chimpanzee, that's alright now momma, cuz you can still enjoy the party (unless you really don't want to), because you choose where the emphasis goes whether you like it or not, know it or not, or admit it or not...

in the moment you love everything unconditionally and let go of everything completely, you exist one with all - be there with me now (or be somewhere else)...

good morning

yeah, what time is it?... the alarm on my cell phone just woke me and it seems to be an hour earlier than it's supposed to be cuz the cell phone company, att, apparently does not send out a signal to syncronize the clocks in their cell phones, which is odd... wait, maybe i have to turn it off and on again... in any case, i could have slept an extra hour if att just sent out the right signal... the body could have used the extra hour...

good morning :)

place

everything in it's place... and everybody... it can hurt to be put in one's place when one believed one belonged in another place, a closer more meaningful more important place... that is the danger of presumption, the folly of assumption, and the madness of believing in words...

consistency

if i came here every day and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever...

would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?

understanding

are you afraid that if you actually realized that you could understand everything that maybe your head would fall off or something?

much hhjj

that's much happy happy joy joy, mostly because there is much hope for social life as i am busy almost every night for weeks to come and while the closeness of true friends or intimacy has not yet arrived, the fun of the journey is returning (now if i just get back to running and working out, aye?)...

homesweethome

people never cease to amaze me... home i come after another 18 hour day away from the place and the air conditioner blasting away… it's Florida, so what's wrong with that picture?... well, it's 61 degrees outside… and nobody's been home for six or more hours… of course the lights were on too… i doubt it would make a difference if they paid the electric bill, but they don't, i do… alas, life with the careless inconsiderate slobs goes on… i love 'em, but the mess really is getting amazing… stepping over stuff just to walk in the door and through the house... and we're looking for a house to move into… my goal is to have meetups at the house, even develop an actual social life where friends come over from time to time… the secondary effect of developing a new and improved social life that includes having friends and guests over will hopefully encouraging more picking up behind self behavior around here… it's really like living with a two year old sometimes… a messy two year old… welcome home :)

unfinished

still want to share it though...

won der ful

wonderful news!... full of wonder, it's a win!... der win, to be european about it... ya, der ful o won!... and news too :)

good moods don't need much explaining ya know :)