the ride

the ride after sudden unexpected change can be manic, even traumatic... to suddenly lose all income and be faced with a rush to a major life change not chosen, but thrust as a blindside betrayal... hope rises to calm and even excite as i send out resumes and get positive feedback from colleagues and highly respected contacts throughout the state (and i visualize myself enjoying respect and professional rewards working a job i want to do, earning enough to live comfortably in a nice house or apartment)... and then, the lulls, the waiting time breeds fear and loathing of the self-destructive human rat race game sinking into the depressing apathy and even panic mode of the street (and i visualize myself enjoying watching the madness of the world go by from some comfortable cushion of a sleeping bag in a park or beach)... as billy joel sang, i go to extremes...

luckily these moods are only momentary...

or maybe not so luckily...

can i please just give up now?

awkward night (part 1)

awkward and uncomfortable night
sleeping in the wrong place
baby comes looking for mommy
finds me and screams
trauma for future nights?
not sleeping now...

bed is dirty
not sure what it is
chocolate cake or dried feces
or just dirt
babies and dogs slept here last
ignored it at first
not sleeping now.

cold and clothes out in the car
not sure how to get out of house
need to pee too
not sure which room is the bathroom
too dark to explore
don't want to wake the babies
don't like scaring babies.

click click click clock
very noisy clock next to my head
ignored it at first
not sleeping now.

nobody awake to talk to
nobody awake at night
nobody i know
nobody nobody no body
i am
nobody.

not sleeping tonight.

and sometimes

i feel every pain that has ever been felt, at least emotionally, as i find a level of empathy that words cannot describe, but would spiral any normal person into an abyss of depression, probably concluding with suicide... i feel it, but i'm too stubborn to give up... the depths... i know those well...

not that it matters...

plans, scams, garbage cans

probably not best laid, at that, but whatever... it turns out that unexpected expences, like $1000 in overdrafts and paying off a car accident, will prevent my roommates from being able to move out just now (no less paying me back, much like the last few times i loaned them money), so another seven month lease will be signed, which continues the status quo, which sucks...

homesweethome

people never cease to amaze me... home i come after another 18 hour day away from the place and the air conditioner blasting away… it's Florida, so what's wrong with that picture?... well, it's 61 degrees outside… and nobody's been home for six or more hours… of course the lights were on too… i doubt it would make a difference if they paid the electric bill, but they don't, i do… alas, life with the careless inconsiderate slobs goes on… i love 'em, but the mess really is getting amazing… stepping over stuff just to walk in the door and through the house... and we're looking for a house to move into… my goal is to have meetups at the house, even develop an actual social life where friends come over from time to time… the secondary effect of developing a new and improved social life that includes having friends and guests over will hopefully encouraging more picking up behind self behavior around here… it's really like living with a two year old sometimes… a messy two year old… welcome home :)