the ride

the ride after sudden unexpected change can be manic, even traumatic... to suddenly lose all income and be faced with a rush to a major life change not chosen, but thrust as a blindside betrayal... hope rises to calm and even excite as i send out resumes and get positive feedback from colleagues and highly respected contacts throughout the state (and i visualize myself enjoying respect and professional rewards working a job i want to do, earning enough to live comfortably in a nice house or apartment)... and then, the lulls, the waiting time breeds fear and loathing of the self-destructive human rat race game sinking into the depressing apathy and even panic mode of the street (and i visualize myself enjoying watching the madness of the world go by from some comfortable cushion of a sleeping bag in a park or beach)... as billy joel sang, i go to extremes...

luckily these moods are only momentary...

or maybe not so luckily...

can i please just give up now?

choose your curse

that is, the title of this entry is any words you might choose to convey a very unwelcome unfortunate fucked-up situation and feeling... i may be stuck in a foot-boot on crutches for months or longer which absolutely sucks, so the mood is pissy bitchy wishy and generally bad... did i mention extremely constantly painful?... i may be avoiding thinking about my moods for a while...

just sayin...

lonely

while most of the time i am too busy these days to feel much of anything other than the excitement of living in the moment and enjoying myself and the challenges i work through at work and on the softball field and in games, there are moments when i want more than just the pleasure of being me and enjoying the moment... in these moments, usually brought on by being all caught up on comment responding and feeling like there's no one in this life who really cares enough to be here and share life with me every day, a moment when when time stands still for a moment, i feel lonely...

this is one of those moments...

sometimes i feel

like the allman brothers sang, but more, lonelier than words can explain and more, angry at all those i love and cherished and devoted myself to throughout the years (except maybe one or two, maybe) cuz what goes around never seems to come around to me and that's a fact, sucks to be me when i feel this way...

still, i can laugh at myself even as i hate everyone else...

cuz momentary moods pass so quickly...

and i chose what remains real...