magic moments

the last ten minutes (about) of it's a wonderful life floors me every time no matter how many times i've seen it... there are other films that grab me, hold me, melt me, and compel me to an emotional catharsis on different levels (wide range of types, from miracle on 34th st to fifth element to hook to some even more diverse), but few can kick me out of complacent egotism or detached intellectualism as well as it's a wonderful life...

thanks all who made it, every one :)

special day

some days i just want to be special, that is, some days i just want the day to be special...

sometimes it is :)

sometimes i am so amusing

to myself, at least :)

crapoholic

seems i am addicted to crap... crappy stuff is everywhere, the place is full of crap... and worse, now a lot of it isn't mine so i am not really right to throw stuff out... so there's even more crap... gotta do something about all the crap... lots of crappy people around me too... maybe i attract crap in all forms... not taking myself seriously, treating myself like crap, that's probably why... crap, this is crap...

feeling like crap...

special

i just want to be special to somebody, not just yeah you're special in passing and then days go by before another hello, but special every day, so special that when a few hours go by without contact an achy-breaky heart yearns for the sound of my voice, eye contact, and the touch of my hand... it doesn't have to be romantic falling in love, but that would be a sweet connection too... i just want to be special enough to someone so that their day just is not right unless i am a big part of it and so special that the whole world knows it... i don't ask for any more than i give, in fact, i give a whole lot more than i am asking for every time... would be weird to have it any other way...

maybe even special...

vulnerability (what goes around...)

loneliness, sadness, wanting to sleep when there is so much to do, sleeping to avoid facing the aloneness... wanting to cry for myself, feeling like nobody really loves me because nobody puts me first... and i am always left with the clean up... alone... nobody ever leaves me well taken care of or even taken care of... and this feeling may be an emo pity party exaggerated in my mind, but the evidence is everywhere... no art, no creative play, no positive spin, just alone...

as if i was not meant to avoid some things (like {wide-eyed wonder} the personal journals and diaries i found left sitting right next to me?... wow, is that an accident or is that trust and conscious or not, actually intentional deliberate hope for continued connection and a real life safety net?)... fool, there is always hope... or at least there is always the positive spin lol lam laa)... sigh :}

i can only hope i did good and this time... something comes around...

rather crappy, actually

feeling, that is... lousy aching left behind the ear but lower neck pain (a real live pain in the neck, i've got... laughing doesn't help) and the ringing right above it isn't fun and sleep is pushed away by both and fatigue is beyond before and wouldn't it be nice if this was not like this, yeah...

luckily it's only momentary...

fidgety fodgety foo

(just for whatever, pretend it was the 18th)

floating along at break neck speed on the precarious balance all alone and with death possible at any moment the best we can do is enjoy the moment...

that is life :)

mostly fatigue

and when tiredness is the overwhelming feeling, emotions become groggy and there is not real mood, there is just a blur... so often i feel so much blur...

out of place euphoria

moods come and go so quickly sometimes that one or another can seem so out of place amidst the events and circumstances of the day (or night) as a day full of good fortune can see a few tears and a day full of misery can see a glimpse of euphoria, but when pure bliss is the base emotion upon which all others are draw, it is the most frequently out of place of all (and so therein least mentioned, aye?)...

bliss :)

not so much

while loneliness grows deeper and louder of late, my ambivalence with trusting another person remains as strong as ever as i realize that i do not need to trust in order to give it all away... disappointment still comes even though i expect people to take and not share and leave me when they have taken all they quietly could because hopes springs eternal, or something like that...

will no one stay awake with me?

not always polite

but usually irreverent... as much as i write, some nights i don't have much to say and all i really want to do is fuck someone's brains out, but most of the time libido gets in the way because libido does not like settling for someone who does not turn me on and libido has a rather narrow fuse... still, some nights i just want to lose myself in mindless sex... preferably with a cooperative partner...

i wasn't feeling this way

last month, or whenever this was, i was full of hope and prosper, as if prosper was something to be full of, and the bliss i know as me was shinging brightly in my eyes (even if i'm the only one who saw me)... or was it this month that i feel this way?... time travels in weird circles :)

tired of people

yeah, again, i am fed up with the stupidity of fear and the insecurity it produces and the ways people try to hide it by trying to control everything and denying truth, justice, and reality...

wish you were here...

missing it

the comfort of caring and being cared about and sharing life and fun with someone who trusts and wants and loves... life is so much more fun that way, and yet, there is more to miss, even then... the dream...

someday...

ups and downs

at the same time, most of the time, in time...

right...