sometimes i am so amusing

to myself, at least :)

fidgety fodgety foo

(just for whatever, pretend it was the 18th)

floating along at break neck speed on the precarious balance all alone and with death possible at any moment the best we can do is enjoy the moment...

that is life :)

out of place euphoria

moods come and go so quickly sometimes that one or another can seem so out of place amidst the events and circumstances of the day (or night) as a day full of good fortune can see a few tears and a day full of misery can see a glimpse of euphoria, but when pure bliss is the base emotion upon which all others are draw, it is the most frequently out of place of all (and so therein least mentioned, aye?)...

bliss :)

i wasn't feeling this way

last month, or whenever this was, i was full of hope and prosper, as if prosper was something to be full of, and the bliss i know as me was shinging brightly in my eyes (even if i'm the only one who saw me)... or was it this month that i feel this way?... time travels in weird circles :)

promises

yeah, with another song playing on repeat because of the magical connection i saw in the singer's eyes and smile the first time we met in the rain on warped tour and that one look was enough to fall in love with her and her voice and music and now new words leading me back to the first time in the program office the love at first site swallowed all reason and cause to leave me living on hope in the bliss of lust and uninhibited trust and blind faith in unconditional love if only she did too...

future times

and what's wrong with a future where people are no longer hung up on fears of nudity or sexuality or egocentric power struggles and finally actualize the honest love and caring and pleasure we can share in this physical life?

if you have an answer, you belong in the past...

as if we could

at this moment i feel as if we could overcome anything and share perfect peace and harmony, however briefly, every single day simply by smiling at each other (even from a distance, sending a smile, hello, few words that take thirty seconds to type and send)... it is possible...

yes, at this moment i feel as if we could...

bipolar

is usually defined as (or by) cycles of depression and elation or mania that often affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause serious problems and embarrassment or grave problems... and statistics say 2.6 percent of the population aged 18 and older, have bipolar disorder... so maybe i ought to wonder, being that i have made some impulsive decisions that have undermined or even destroyed my fondest dreams and lead to rather horrible experiences at times and left me alone when being in a partnership is one of my fondest dreams, if i am not bipolar since i experience hyper highs that bounce me off the walls for days on end and dark deep depressions that have, at times, left me curled up in closets for days on end...

or i could just be a drama queen...

thing is, most of the time, i experience the seemingly perfect peace, joy, and happiness of super hyper giddy euphoric and the debilitating almost suicidal depression simultaneously... the depths of sadness i feel about being alone in this world amidst the seriously suicidal human species and the near perfect euphoria i feel just being alive is the constant state of being in my mind...

at least for the moment...

sugar buzz

yeah, so i should be sleeping (as i used to say in the title of my first online daily babblings) and i really should not eat after midnight or even after dark cuz age has slowed the already slow metabolism (probably why the body seems to stay young, it's not burning itself out on it's own... if only i'd stop doing it for it, aye) but instead here i am buzzing on sugar cuz i just ate two cans of pineapples in juice and syrup (i added the syrup myself cuz i prefer pineapple in 100% juice when buying canned pineapple, i mean, in case you wanted to know cuz you were considered what kind of canned fruit to buy me... of course fresh pineapple is even more delicious, but all that cutting can be dangerous after midnight when i am tired or even buzzed after eating a lot of pineapple in 100% juice spiked with syrup)... the buzz feels almost as wonderful as it would feel if i was sharing intimacy with a libido fantasy... almost, i said almost... soon, i will crash and sleep, not long enough, but at least some sleep is better than none in the long run... but for now, oh, the sweet buzz is fun :)

sick and tired

and yet i still wanna party all the time party all the time party all the time and yet, still wondering wandering on my semi-quixotic quest for someone to love love love (with the obligatory shock value and babble just (just?... is there really any justice in this world?... never mind this distraction, get the point already) to keep us on our toes… and real… you can’t know it all, but you must…

fukitol

oh yeah, by the time i get to woodstock, even, (aka: when the memory blows the mind... ), we all (unless you are the most unlucky soul in the universe) experience deja vu some or... sometimes, even, and even when it feels odder than a rectal thermometer in the ear (or mouth, for that matter, for those who can remember), the shoe drops on the other foot only now and then, once in a while, and then again, when we want it to enough...

and if you do not understand, you pretend ignorance or incompetence to shirk responsibility, or you are just genuinely slower than the average chimpanzee, that's alright now momma, cuz you can still enjoy the party (unless you really don't want to), because you choose where the emphasis goes whether you like it or not, know it or not, or admit it or not...

in the moment you love everything unconditionally and let go of everything completely, you exist one with all - be there with me now (or be somewhere else)...

and sometimes i feel

life is a party and everything is so sweetly wonderfully enjoyable and pleasurable cuz there's some sort of balance that feels perfect...

roll with it :)

momentary moments

if i did actually come by and drop words out here in the ether whenever i could (or whenever i felt like sharing, which would be even more often), most of the words would fly right by in thereal real time cuz who has time to check in several times a day and who even wants to keep in touch that much...

besides me, i mean...

sometimes, it's done

and there's nothing left to do.

pointless

and the point of taking me to where i am most vulnerable is...

place

everything in it's place... and everybody... it can hurt to be put in one's place when one believed one belonged in another place, a closer more meaningful more important place... that is the danger of presumption, the folly of assumption, and the madness of believing in words...

consistency

if i came here every day and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever...

would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?

understanding

are you afraid that if you actually realized that you could understand everything that maybe your head would fall off or something?

not that it matters...

much hhjj

that's much happy happy joy joy, mostly because there is much hope for social life as i am busy almost every night for weeks to come and while the closeness of true friends or intimacy has not yet arrived, the fun of the journey is returning (now if i just get back to running and working out, aye?)...