it

sometimes i just feel it and it is so real, there is no need for anything else... though i still want to share it cuz i remember sharing it makes it better, but it is still completely perfect even when it is not shared...

wtf

and when i feel like nobody cares and want proof, all i need to do is look around...

love for a birthday

bliss comes in the most unexpected moments when you forget the timeline and the connections, but when you remember, everything happens just when it is supposed to...

who cares?

sometimes I feel like nobody cares... not in the sense that I felt it as a child when I did not get my way or even as a child abandoned, adopted, abandoned again, and ultimately left to develop on my own without any real intellectual or emotional intimacy... not in any self-pathetic or poor-me sense, but in a practical hello, hello, hello, is anybody in there sense when I look into people's eyes...

or here, on the web, how would we know?

tic toc

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JUST

sometimes I feel

sometimes I feel like a prophet and sometimes I feel like a fool, but mostly I am feeling lonely of late and I'm tired of it and that's not cool... right now I feel like nobody cares enough to be here to care for me cuz nobody is so nobody does and this has beeing going on for some time now... I still want to believe in love and hope and friends and caring and love, but I've got no proof it exists anymore and what I once thought I had is so gone, maybe it never was...

are we luckier to be alone when we die, so no one mourns more than a moment or two or are we luckier to die in the arms of someone who will mourn us forever and want us to be together again somehow someday, if that's even possible...

might depend on whether we define mourn as die or as celebrate...

I'm celebrating, personally, all alone.

unpleasant

the computer is insufficient... the body is dying... the space is filthy... the laundry is not done... the worries are coming... the doubts are forming... the hope is waning... the mind is going numb... the heart is sleeping (will it die in it's sleep?)... the child is crying (promises are meant to keep)... the way is wobbly (and the lost are being found)... the best I can do is hope someone comes around before I'm gone... and I leave these words behind to carry on...

the best semi-laid plans

are not really plans, but then, they might be ideas, ideas that never quite reach fruition, perhaps, but nonetheless ideas... it is easy to see the lack of external inspiration and allow that to effect the flow, but then, does a river dry up merely because no one comes to wade in it?... my friend Phil Oso knows, and perhaps you do too... shame we don't know together :}

sitting around

waiting for Rasputin to motivate himself to get into the shower and go out... two hours of waiting and the day is done, late afternoon and evening ahead, so goes most weekends these days... even when there are too many activities to squeeze into one weekend... need more of a change in lifestyle than just a daily trip to the gym... participants welcome...

won der ful

wonderful news!... full of wonder, it's a win!... der win, to be european about it... ya, der ful o won!... and news too :)

good moods don't need much explaining ya know :)

didn't last long, did it?

I'm probably too lonely, alone, and out of touch with contact, being in touch on the momentary scale, to maintain this... or else there's just not enough time and it hasn't become habit... maybe next time :)

just now

I am really tired cuz I've been up all night cuz I found myself relating to someone online who writes words that talk to me (amuse me and move me) and missed her visit to Orlando (not that I particular want to expose anyone to my current living space and I wish I had the house I once had with guest rooms and cleanliness) and my hunger for a true friend grew to an all-nighter of hope, despair, and more hope... I'm going to bed now...

bored

It doesn't happen often, so I thought it might be important to record it.

must have forgot

of course, this is the experiment gone awry cuz nobody pays attention to the moments, at least not consistently, not even me... but I want to... and I used to... and I would try again if someone would share the journey... so at the moment I am accepting the peaceful euphoria of being alive and being me while simultaneously accepting the sadness of longing for love and sharing and feeling loneliness... how are you?

from the gym

arriving home after a 100 minute workout on a fasting day, pooped, but feeling good and not hungry, a good sign... entered the data into the FDitday program and now, to visit RealTime to see who visited, say hello, sum up the day, and whatever...

even briefer than brief

yes, another blog... why?... because this one will be even briefer than the brief RealTime blog that is supposed to be brief... so good morning, I feel tired and lonely and happy to have another day to start again and hope for more... how are you? :)