irony, or something like that

i seem to come here more often when i feel a touch of sadness, for that begs for expression much more than the peaceful contentment that presides over my emotional being most of the time... which may be ironic, but nevertheless is the way it is... i wish i could share my bliss more often with an intimate partner in the physical world, but without her, i share it as i can with whomever will... the wonders still never cease :)

top of the world

the softball world, at least... we won the first game of the season, lost the next one, won the third game, lost the fourth... then, today, we eight weeks later, we won our tenth game in a row and the last one was the championship game... we are the champions, my friends... went out celebrating, championship dinner, got trophies, t-shirts, awards, the league voted our team the spirit award and the team voted me mvp... ego flies, heart smiles, and and and...

it feels pretty amazing...

strong as it ever was

the memory of your wonder and excitement remains a huge smile, even as a sad tear falls from my eye because i can not say happy birthday to your face today... i still send my love and hope for your happiness... and rejoice that the hope remains strong as it ever was...

stress and bliss

while work drains my brain with piles of problems to solve and data to process and information to analyze and people to help and reports to complete and so much more to do, the daily bliss of living, feeling the love i can share, and accepting the excitement of every moment cuz anything is possible keeps me flying high... and even if sharing is fleeting and there's no partner to share the depths, the clouds are still a beautiful place to rest... and fun is still the second best way to be :)

what's the point of memory

when the people who are in my heart leave me no way to say i love you or even happy birthday, i wonder why i continue wanting to let people into my heart...

i feel sad

that people disappear from life for years, for even if they really did once care and even if they still think they do, caring is a verb and it is either done or not done... caring only in the mind is like dreaming only when you sleep, secrets you keep to yourself... everybody seems to do that... and i keep wanting to believe someone will keep in touch just because they care and not just because they need something from me... perhaps it is just my experience, but it is my experience and when i look at people and see they are not there, i feel sad...

and sometimes

i feel every pain that has ever been felt, at least emotionally, as i find a level of empathy that words cannot describe, but would spiral any normal person into an abyss of depression, probably concluding with suicide... i feel it, but i'm too stubborn to give up... the depths... i know those well...

can you imagine?

what if nobody really wanted to be loved as much as i can love, to infinity and beyond, actually unconditional and more, without limits, restrictions, or inhibitions - the ultimate free love that overcomes all fear to share everything completely openly and above all else, honestly...

if nobody really wanted to, how could i share my love...

i do not want to think about the answer...

can you imagine?

past moments (#1001)

There are moments I miss the life and busy travel I knew as a professional in NYC and reading your site reminds me. Having tried many lifestyles from penthouse to streets and retired a few times and now one of the working poor, I wonder if I should unretire again. Reading your words might be helpful or a pain, we shall see.

a comment inspired by

November 2, 2003 2:52 PM

torn between

or torn within... or both... in any case, there are moments i just want to curl up and be depressed about the human condition, the lack of trustworthiness and abundance of selfishness and the hypocrisy and suicidal ways of the human race.. there are times i want to cry in a selfish self-pity party... and there are times i want to enjoy the jubilation i find in just being me... and times i want to feel sad because nobody seems to enjoy a similar jubilation within themselves (at least not independently)... there are times i just want to give in and fit in and buy into whatever others seem to believe that gives them some appearance of belonging... but the delusional basis of the whole experience is too obvious to me... all i really want is to enjoy life without a lie, without a cruch, without pretending we need something beyond what is and what we are to enjoy being...

anybody?

should i feel abandoned?

of course, for the cycle repeats again and again, the words, the contact, the occasional friends suddenly return with words of love and even worship and then, just as suddenly disappear and demonstrate my true lack of importance in their lives... and those who said the most wonderful words run the cycle to the extremes and those who supposedly loved the most and deepest dropped out of contact for the longest... because it wasn't real?... because i am not perfect?... because i did something unforgivable?... regardless, they stopped communicating, broke contact, and i am left alone...

abandoned?...

euphoria

what a feeling just remembering cell memory as i drop the excess once again down to the original revelation left behind so very long ago... bear with us, we might get back to where we once belonged just yet, aye? :)

people can be so disappointing

just when you really want to believe them, they lie... just when you really want to believe in them, they betray... just when you really want to believe they care, they show they don't... and just when you really believe they will be there, they disappear...

maybe they'll evolve one day to actually live up to their holy words, but until then, their lives prove just how much those words are lies...

god bless.

spinning into control

sometimes the mind focuses with such clarity that everything in the universe and beyond, known and unknown, makes perfect sense to me and if i ever find the words to explain it, i'll let you know... until then, excuse me if i just enjoy the heck out of the moments :)

bipolar

is usually defined as (or by) cycles of depression and elation or mania that often affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause serious problems and embarrassment or grave problems... and statistics say 2.6 percent of the population aged 18 and older, have bipolar disorder... so maybe i ought to wonder, being that i have made some impulsive decisions that have undermined or even destroyed my fondest dreams and lead to rather horrible experiences at times and left me alone when being in a partnership is one of my fondest dreams, if i am not bipolar since i experience hyper highs that bounce me off the walls for days on end and dark deep depressions that have, at times, left me curled up in closets for days on end...

or i could just be a drama queen...

thing is, most of the time, i experience the seemingly perfect peace, joy, and happiness of super hyper giddy euphoric and the debilitating almost suicidal depression simultaneously... the depths of sadness i feel about being alone in this world amidst the seriously suicidal human species and the near perfect euphoria i feel just being alive is the constant state of being in my mind...

at least for the moment...

alone at birth

when you're born, even though there's a body you come out of with a person in it who loves you so unbelievably much, you have no conscious awareness of it, so your mind is as alone as ever, as alone as each of us are in this life, living inside a mind in a body separated from everyone else...

sad is when you feel even more alone on birthdays when you are conscious of nobody being there, nobody around, all alone...

hope that never happens to you...

why should i believe?

yeah, why should i believe in love or people, for that matter... all cynical humor aside, almost perfectly, the people i give the most to take the most and give back the least... everywhere i go i find people using people, hurting people, or at least not caring about each other... people pretending goodness is found in some book or in some special words that they choose not to live up to while putting down those who don't pretend... show me one honest person... show me one person who cares more than they pretend to care... show me one person who doesn't just believe, but does love... yeah, why should i believe?... show me.

laundry

did i ever mention how painful doing laundry can be?...

sugar buzz

yeah, so i should be sleeping (as i used to say in the title of my first online daily babblings) and i really should not eat after midnight or even after dark cuz age has slowed the already slow metabolism (probably why the body seems to stay young, it's not burning itself out on it's own... if only i'd stop doing it for it, aye) but instead here i am buzzing on sugar cuz i just ate two cans of pineapples in juice and syrup (i added the syrup myself cuz i prefer pineapple in 100% juice when buying canned pineapple, i mean, in case you wanted to know cuz you were considered what kind of canned fruit to buy me... of course fresh pineapple is even more delicious, but all that cutting can be dangerous after midnight when i am tired or even buzzed after eating a lot of pineapple in 100% juice spiked with syrup)... the buzz feels almost as wonderful as it would feel if i was sharing intimacy with a libido fantasy... almost, i said almost... soon, i will crash and sleep, not long enough, but at least some sleep is better than none in the long run... but for now, oh, the sweet buzz is fun :)

lonely

while most of the time i am too busy these days to feel much of anything other than the excitement of living in the moment and enjoying myself and the challenges i work through at work and on the softball field and in games, there are moments when i want more than just the pleasure of being me and enjoying the moment... in these moments, usually brought on by being all caught up on comment responding and feeling like there's no one in this life who really cares enough to be here and share life with me every day, a moment when when time stands still for a moment, i feel lonely...

this is one of those moments...

choice

we all know how to give and take, though from my experience in this world, most people take a whole lot more than they give... it can be quite lonely being a giver (with due respect to lowry {wiki} and others, orwell, beckett, not withstanding)... acting as though we do not have a choice does not mean we do not have a choice...

after the party is over

after the holidays and celebrations and so one, the games are over and the smiling happy faces all go home... and loneliness is all that is left... i wish someone would stay, but i do not want someone to stay who does not get me... it's been many years since someone got me... the lonely mood is deep tonight...